Third party

Today I had my first session with a psychologist. It was really good - he is kind and firm and very straight-forward, which is exactly what I was hoping he would be. Unexpectedly I actually cried quite a bit, more than I have in one go for a couple of weeks now. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it was a combination of his kindness, his incisive questions at crucial points ("What is the purpose of deceit?") and having someone able to reformulate and summarise so succinctly and exactly HOW I have been feeling for the last 6 weeks.

Apparently, when I've done all the necessary crying, I won't cry any more :)

In the end it's been a bit of a teary day, but it's definitely different from the sort of teary days I was having 6 weeks ago. Now it's triggered by something - a song lyric, a kind word - and it erupts and then rapidly settles and I'm able to get on with whatever I'm trying to do. Sometimes I resent the interruption - and I get frustrated with what I often perceive to be a lack of self-control - but apparently it's healthy and normal and has to be done. If it has to be done, I'll do it.

So - a few things from today, things I'd like to remember:

• the point of deceit is to hide something - and so the fact that I didn't see any of this coming is not my fault, there is nothing I could have done, and I should never blame myself for it
• his turning towards others may have been just as much him turning away from me
  
• at the moment he's "centerstage" in my mind - but time will gradually move him into the wings
• one day he'll just be someone I loved once, someone I knew once
• all decisions are emotional ones - there is no such thing as a completely "rational" decision
• I don't know how he is grieving, and how he is or isn't, isn't important for my recovery and isn't the point - he is not a reference point for me
• he wants absolution from me but guilt is a violation of one's own ethics, and if that is what he has done he has to deal with it for himself, not look to me for a solution
• This process is about letting go - of him, of us, of responsibility, of all the issues and joys and good and bad times - and it is about accepting that he will not come back

We talked about my imminent going away too, but not as much. Maybe next time.