Changes

I said goodbye.

Today I tried to think of his voice, and it took me ages - I just couldn't get it to come into my head.

I can't remember and I can't decide
What was the season and the colour of your eyes?

I can't remember the colour of his eyes.

I'm letting go I think, bit by bit.

Angry

For fuck's sake, how HARD is it to be in the apartment for half an hour to let the removalists in and point out all the stuff that's not yours?

You broke up with me, turned my life upside down, and since then I have had to make countless trips to get all my stuff out, I have had to organise ALL of the practical things, all you have had to do is sit on your arse and wait for it all to happen and now you are refusing to give up half an hour of your valuable time to give just a tiny bit of assistance?

PULL YOUR FUCKING FINGER OUT. You are SO SELFISH.

Why the hell did you email me about it anyway? It's not between you and me, N is organising the removals and made that perfectly clear to you. Why must you continue to drag me down when I just want to get on with putting my life back together?

Seriously, just get OUT of my life.

Love After Love

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other’s welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

(Derek Walcott - courtesy of my friend A)

Third party

Today I had my first session with a psychologist. It was really good - he is kind and firm and very straight-forward, which is exactly what I was hoping he would be. Unexpectedly I actually cried quite a bit, more than I have in one go for a couple of weeks now. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it was a combination of his kindness, his incisive questions at crucial points ("What is the purpose of deceit?") and having someone able to reformulate and summarise so succinctly and exactly HOW I have been feeling for the last 6 weeks.

Apparently, when I've done all the necessary crying, I won't cry any more :)

In the end it's been a bit of a teary day, but it's definitely different from the sort of teary days I was having 6 weeks ago. Now it's triggered by something - a song lyric, a kind word - and it erupts and then rapidly settles and I'm able to get on with whatever I'm trying to do. Sometimes I resent the interruption - and I get frustrated with what I often perceive to be a lack of self-control - but apparently it's healthy and normal and has to be done. If it has to be done, I'll do it.

So - a few things from today, things I'd like to remember:

• the point of deceit is to hide something - and so the fact that I didn't see any of this coming is not my fault, there is nothing I could have done, and I should never blame myself for it
• his turning towards others may have been just as much him turning away from me
  
• at the moment he's "centerstage" in my mind - but time will gradually move him into the wings
• one day he'll just be someone I loved once, someone I knew once
• all decisions are emotional ones - there is no such thing as a completely "rational" decision
• I don't know how he is grieving, and how he is or isn't, isn't important for my recovery and isn't the point - he is not a reference point for me
• he wants absolution from me but guilt is a violation of one's own ethics, and if that is what he has done he has to deal with it for himself, not look to me for a solution
• This process is about letting go - of him, of us, of responsibility, of all the issues and joys and good and bad times - and it is about accepting that he will not come back

We talked about my imminent going away too, but not as much. Maybe next time.