What is wrong with me? I have just heard the news that my friends T and S are engaged, and I have sent the happy congratulations message and I know I should be sincerely happy for them, but instead I feel like crying.
Okay, so I know what is wrong with me. But I feel horrible about it, I can't believe that I am actually taking personal misery out of my friends' happiness. They deserve it, they are fantastic people. So why can't I set aside my own problems for a minute and just give them the unabashed delight that they deserve?
I have started reading this book that K suggested, a book about ending relationships and how to cope. She was right - it is great. It really does normalise the whole experience. There is a section on the language of the "dumper" and "dumpee" which has my situation in a nutshell. Lots of reminders not to start a new relationship until I'm finished working through this one, and to make friends instead in the meantime. Lots about anger, grief, guilt, rejection. There are 19 chapters in this book. Rebuilding is going to take 19 chapters? Daunting.
I also spent some time trawling through old emails for some reason - just because they were there, and I happened upon them, and I was curious. Emails between me and B, me and G, me and N, me and my friend R (with whom I had an uncanny, unlikely connection - definitely a "kindred spirit"). Funny to go back and read over all this communication from before this relationship even happened. I guess it reminds me that I had a full, vibrant life before and that logically I should have that again. And that I was interesting to others before - romantically and otherwise - and hopefully I will be again, one day.
But anyway. T and S, I am happy for you. I just don't feel it tonight, and I'm sorry.
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