A shock

Yesterday I went around to the apartment to get more stuff.

Turned key in lock, opened door. Bathroom light on, music playing. He said, "I'm in."

He didn't get the text I'd sent him in the morning. It was horrible. I sat shaking in the liftwell and he came out about 5 minutes later, looked at me while I tried to decide whether or not to look at him, then left via the back stairwell whilst I went into the flat and burst into tears.

Funnily enough, I was okay about 20 minutes later. I rang him after that. It was stupid. I was saying lots of things that I've said before. He said a whole heap of crap about how this wasn't right and that wasn't right and we never got started properly - whatever the hell that means. Then he said, "I just have to try other things."

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT ME AND MY FLAWS. THIS IS ABOUT YOU, IDIOT.

He asked me why I was saying the stuff I was saying, that it wasn't helping and he didn't understand why I was saying it. I think I actually apologised. Now I wish I'd said, "You lied to me by omission. You deceived me for weeks. You betrayed me, you strayed if not in body then in mind, you broke my trust. You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. I don't have any fucking obligation to make you feel better about what you've done. PLUS STOP EMAILING ME WITH YOUR FUCKED UP IDEAS ABOUT US, I DREW THE LINE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW, REMEMBER???"

Anyway. Let it go, let it go. If I tell myself enough times, it'll happen - right?

I had my 2nd round interview for this o/s job today. It went well - as expected they asked me heaps of questions about how the relationship breakup would affect my ability to work. I was ready to lynch J if his stupidity jeopardised my chances of getting it, but it went swimmingly and they told me it'd just be a matter of doing the paperwork, reference checks, etc. Then they rang me back 2 hours later for good measure, just to let me know that in fact it would probably all happen more quickly than they'd thought.

So it's all very exciting but also completely terrifying. Everyone else seems to think I can do it, so why don't I feel so sure? I guess it's because everything seems uncertain and shaky at the moment. Still - departure is probably still a good 6-7 weeks away, so that's a long way off considering how recent the shake-up has been. M gave me the name of a good psychologist today, I want to try that out to see if I can get some pointers on how to cope on my own, how to get myself out of holes, etc.