A few realisations

Last night I went out for dinner with one of the other doctors who I knew from Melbourne. It was good - we ended up talking a lot about my upcoming trip, the reasons why I want to do what I'm going to do, how I feel about it, all that sort of thing. I thought about it for a while afterwards and I thought that what I was saying was probably quite interesting. Maybe I'm not as staid and boring and opinionless as I feel I have been for a while now, maybe months, maybe much longer.

Anyway.

I got back and felt a bit flat, actually. Silly because I'd just been thinking that what I had talked about was interesting - where's the logic? Started thinking stupid things, eg. he is probably out having a fantastic time, probably on a date, probably hasn't even noticed that we're not in contact, whereas here I am feeling like it's this massive achievement that we've had no contact in 10 days, etc. I ended up talking to B for quite a while and it was interesting because despite feeling a bit crap I did manage to work out some positive things in my head.

I think my mind has been stretched much more in the last week or two than it was in the previous 6 months (perhaps apart from when I did the refugee health thing earlier this year and even then I felt like I had no outlet to discuss it). I'm regaining the rage - reading about things that feel important to me and getting heated about them. I don't particularly feel like socialising most of the time but when I do get out there, I'm good company.

Maybe he was right - maybe he did make me worse. When I think about it properly it's hard to deny that in many ways I "dumbed myself down" in the last couple of years. I stopped making my opinions known and to some extent I think I stopped having opinions about some things. I stopped stretching my mind in the ways that I think it needed to be - thinking about the arts and music and politics in the way I used to.

I realise now that in many ways he is paralysed by his idealism, whereas I'm a pragmatist. He lacks direction because he is so easily discouraged by situations/jobs/relationships being less than ideal, instead of being able to think of ways around them, to deal with what is presented. The way we think about politics, humanitarian aid, love, relationships, work - the difference is clear in everything we do.

Politics is a great example. He reads Noam Chomsky and nothing else. He is actively ignorant of American politics and culture (apart from Chomsky) because he thinks it makes a statement. I think I felt ashamed to tell him that I have been actively following it but why should I have been? It affects - and infects - so much of world politics that to be ignorant of it but still claim to care about politics, humanitarian law, war, human rights, equity, is to be irresponsible in those opinions, isn't it?

Relationships - the same. Not ideal = his parents = catastrophe which cannot be averted, cannot be changed. Work - one bad boss or one bad colleague and it is curtains.

Those are just examples. But I think it applies to the way he thinks about everything. It's funny, because in some ways I think most people assume that idealists are optimists, but in fact I think perhaps that assumption is incorrect and that that sort of idealism fuels defeatism if anything.

B thinks it's suprising that I'm pragmatic but not cynical. It's a big difference. If I can come through this whole sorry saga without becoming cynical I think I'll be doing pretty well!