Boundaries

So after that email yesterday I felt really, really upset and angry. I rang the estate agent and arranged to be taken off the lease. I rang the gas, electricity and water companies and arranged for the services in my name to be ceased. I emailed him – a very terse message detailing the practicalities I had sorted out. I talked to some friends, told them about it, generally felt very angry.

Then I felt awful. It felt like we were fighting.

So I rang him and I told him that’s how I felt and how much I hated it. I told him that we shouldn’t discuss the relationship because all we were doing was hurting each other. I told him I didn’t want us to fight.

Unfortunately we then talked for about half an hour; he got quite emotional and teary. I never know what that means. Does that mean it feels wrong? Does that mean he feels guilty? Does that mean he’s feeling a sense of loss? Does that mean he’s wondering if he did the right thing? He tells me he just figures it’s pain he has to feel to get through it.

I went around to the apartment last night with G and got more stuff. It felt odd, and sort of cold – as if the personality and warmth had been drained from the place. I emptied the dishwasher. I’m not sure why. I put all the “us” things in a box but then I left it there because I didn’t want to take it with me – wasn’t sure what I’d do with it.

I dreamt about him last night, then this morning I woke up and found myself thinking about us getting back together – would it happen? Could it happen? How would it happen? How would I convince him it was the right thing to do? How would I convince myself it was the right thing to do? So much second guessing.

So I called one of my friends and she said exactly the right things. She told me that things would work themselves out for the best one way or another; she told me that if we ever got back together then that would have to come from him; and she said that I need some time and space to be on my own, concentrate on me, sort myself out, go and do new things. And she was absolutely right.

In the meantime, I need to stick by what I said to him yesterday, which I know is right: we shouldn’t talk about things with each other. I just have to somehow put the impatient/control freak/planning part of me aside and just see what life brings. And I have to remember that he’s not gone – he’s just not in my life, at least for the time being.