Ithaka

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find the things like that on your way
as long as you keep thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony.
Sensual perfume of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

(Cafavy)

Deja vu all over again

I'm back from Perth - I had such a good time! Unfortunately the same dreary feeling descended upon my return; I felt like this when I came back from interstate last time as well. It seems that the further removed from the wretched "situation" I am, the better I am. So Thailand should be a perfect tonic based on that theory, right?

A and C (the friends I stayed with in Perth) were so great. They'd actually talked between themselves quite a bit about me and my problems, and they are a bit older and wiser which always seems to help. A and I chatted about it for quite a while today before I left. She thinks that at least a very significant proportion of the breakup was due to what she calls "Exam Psychosis"; she and C both did their exams last year and she says that at times she really didn't think that they'd make it, and perhaps in hindsight one thing that helped save them was that "divorce is so messy"! This is hard to believe, looking at them now - they are such a balanced, healthy, functional couple and it's difficult to see them ever having such difficult times.

But their experience - and that of their friends, and of mine - is that it really is that bad, and that it does destroy people and their relationships. In the end it still doesn't matter, because it doesn't change where I am right now. For what it's worth, A thinks that when the whole exam thing is over, and after the post-exam traumatic stress, he will think about this and he will realise one day that it was Exam Psychosis that led to the split - and that by then it will be too late. This is probably true, if he ever does have that epiphany, which I actually don't think he will. He is so good at pushing things he doesn't want to think about to the back of his mind - as I found out so recently - that I don't think he'll ever get to the stage of processing it to that degree. Plus, he will probably start his next relationship before the exams are even over - "just pragmatically", of course! - so there's some more processing killed.

And in any case, as I have known all along - even if he did come to see that he made the wrong choice, I don't see how it could work ever again, even if I really wanted it to. I can't see how any amount of counselling, any amount of talking and discussing and confiding, could possibly make me believe that anything had really changed. When I have those down evenings, I want the old future back, not a new one in which all of this has happened. Even if he came back and said, "I was wrong", what would I do? I think I'd probably say, "Prove it". And how can someone do that?

Anyway, his last email was just recycling the same old shit that he was spouting back in the first week after the relationship, so to imagine he will ever think it through to the extent that I have seems just a tad unrealistic.

Perth

I'm posting from Perth - arrived here at lunchtime, have already had a lovely boozy lunch, lots of girly gasbagging, played with two beautiful cats and am now sitting on the couch at A's place playing with wireless internet while A plays on her matching laptop on the couch.

It is good to be away from Melbourne again. It's also good to be talking to people who had nothing to do with us as a couple. I'm quite tired from the early start this morning and the 2 hour time difference, but overall I feel quite satisfied with my day. Which is not a bad state of affairs, considering.

A bit of stasis

My suspicions were right - I'm actually not doing as well here in Melbourne as I was when I was away from home. It's a mixture of things - being in familiar places, going past the apartment, the fact that he emailed me on the day I got back, having to move stuff out of the apartment, those sorts of things. Ugh. It really sucks.

I'm off to Perth tomorrow though, which will be good I think. Good to be in a new place - I've only ever been to Perth once and that was 7 years ago - with new people doing different things. Hopefully my aches and pains (which I'm blaming on the 4 immunisations I had yesterday) will have worn off a bit by tomorrow. A change of scene will be good.

So surely the "change of scene" that moving to Thailand will bring, will also be a massive positive too? I wish it would sink in a bit more. It's that feeling of being dragged along by life rather than really being in it at the moment, although I'm much better than I was. I'm able to joke and laugh and drink and eat and have a good time. There is a bit of an undercurrent of "empty" but it's more manageable than it was. I've got all the information about the pre-departure briefing now, and I've the rest of my medical stuff lined up. All that really remains is to get that plane ticket in my hand. Perhaps that will be the clincher. It's only 32 days until I leave. I bet I'll look back when I've been over there for a while and wonder why I didn't make more of the time I had before leaving, but I am trying pretty hard! There's no way to make all these difficulties in my head go away, so it's just a matter of working around them as best as I can until I go.

And maybe once I've left, and had a bit of time to process all the changes and the shock, I'll feel freed of all of this. That would be amazing.

A sort of reverse schadenfreude

What is wrong with me? I have just heard the news that my friends T and S are engaged, and I have sent the happy congratulations message and I know I should be sincerely happy for them, but instead I feel like crying.

Okay, so I know what is wrong with me. But I feel horrible about it, I can't believe that I am actually taking personal misery out of my friends' happiness. They deserve it, they are fantastic people. So why can't I set aside my own problems for a minute and just give them the unabashed delight that they deserve?

I have started reading this book that K suggested, a book about ending relationships and how to cope. She was right - it is great. It really does normalise the whole experience. There is a section on the language of the "dumper" and "dumpee" which has my situation in a nutshell. Lots of reminders not to start a new relationship until I'm finished working through this one, and to make friends instead in the meantime. Lots about anger, grief, guilt, rejection. There are 19 chapters in this book. Rebuilding is going to take 19 chapters? Daunting.

I also spent some time trawling through old emails for some reason - just because they were there, and I happened upon them, and I was curious. Emails between me and B, me and G, me and N, me and my friend R (with whom I had an uncanny, unlikely connection - definitely a "kindred spirit"). Funny to go back and read over all this communication from before this relationship even happened. I guess it reminds me that I had a full, vibrant life before and that logically I should have that again. And that I was interesting to others before - romantically and otherwise - and hopefully I will be again, one day.

But anyway. T and S, I am happy for you. I just don't feel it tonight, and I'm sorry.

Dear ex...

...PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME KTHNXBAI.


UGH.

He can make contact too??

I went to the ballet last night and then out for drinks and tapas with N and her friends - great night had by all. I got home sometime after midnight and checked my email to find (to my great surprise) an email from him. Ugh. Somehow I'd forgotten that he exists as a person who is able to breach my no contact rule, in my head I think I assumed only I could do that. Silly me.

He said things like "How are you? I would be interested to have a little information, although I know I'm not allowed to" and ended with a great postscript that said, "I want you to know that I have no ill feelings towards you whatsoever" and that he wants to know I'm okay because he hopes his "mistakes haven't caused too much harm in the long term".

What a big person. "No ill feelings" - if I was the one who caused all the pain and wanted forgiveness, it passed me by somewhere there. What the hell is that all about?

Little judgemental things aside, I guess what that email showed was that he really hasn't done any of the thinking or soul-searching that I have over the past few weeks. In fact, it sounds very much like he is exactly where he was 3 or 4 weeks ago and that no deeper processing has gone on. I guess this is what I suspected deep down, but part of me had hoped that he would have thought beyond these same tired old phrases; I suppose the likelihood of that being the case was always low!

So I answered the practical questions in his email and ignored all the stuff about me/us/him. I wasn't rude, just firmly avoidant of the questions I didn't want to answer and had decided (back before I left Melbourne) not to be drawn on.

I still don't think I want to see him or talk to him before I leave. He's had a bloody easy ride with this breakup, and I'll say it again: I am not responsible for his guilt, and if he wants to assuage it he'll have to find another way.

Cold

I have a cold. Ugh.

I haven't blogged in two days - I think they are the first days I have missed. I guess I just haven't had a lot to say; not much has happened at work or outside of work so there didn't seem much point to writing.

I got an email from his best friend S yesterday about a reference check that he'd been sent by AVI - he was originally listed as the referee for our joint application and clearly AVI didn't notice this or modify their reference checklist when the joint application became just my application. It was the right thing for him to email me to check what was happening, but I felt a bit annoyed and upset because I just don't want his world crossing over into mine. I don't want him to know what I'm doing or when I'm going - not until after I've gone anyway, or at least much closer to the departure date. In the end I suppose that's a bit petty and unimportant, and in any case he's not getting his information from me, so I shouldn't give it too much thought or concern. I guess I'd just been doing such a good job of keeping things separate, and I sort of feel a bit put out that that separation has been breached in some small way.

I don't intend to contact him at all - even about furniture removals or any of that stuff - until after I get back from Perth. By then we will have had almost a full month without contact, and I will still have ample time to get things organised. I'm sure he is not thinking about things the same way as I am, and I am sure that this no-contact thing has been great for him and his goal of "moving on"; that does make me feel a bit strange but I have to remember that I am making progress and that I have done so much better in the last couple of weeks than I was doing before. I guess I should try to remember that the separation I'm seeking also applies to how we deal with things now, and that I should not try to measure my progress against his or what I assume his to be.

I'm going home tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing my family and friends, and Perth looks like it will be really fun. Fingers crossed.

Getting organised

I have organised the following things:

• Pre-departure medical
• Trip to Perth
• Have contacted uni about doing a project
• Appointment with psychologist

The latter is something I have been thinking of doing for a while. In fact thinking back now, I'm not nearly as much of a basketcase as I thought I would be, but now the primary motivation for seeing someone about things is to work out some self-protective mechanisms in preparation for moving overseas. Things to do with being on my own, being a bit more self-sufficient, learning to reframe new and potentially scary situations, combatting feelings of social phobia and isolation, that sort of thing.

I don't know if I'm being a bit ridiculous about all of this, but I suppose it is about reclaiming control after a situation in which I still feel I had none. I want to minimise my baggage, minimise my "unproductive" recovery time, I suppose. I want to lessen my chances of getting hung up on things and be able to get myself moving when I don't feel like it.

I figure that's not a bad thing.

A few realisations

Last night I went out for dinner with one of the other doctors who I knew from Melbourne. It was good - we ended up talking a lot about my upcoming trip, the reasons why I want to do what I'm going to do, how I feel about it, all that sort of thing. I thought about it for a while afterwards and I thought that what I was saying was probably quite interesting. Maybe I'm not as staid and boring and opinionless as I feel I have been for a while now, maybe months, maybe much longer.

Anyway.

I got back and felt a bit flat, actually. Silly because I'd just been thinking that what I had talked about was interesting - where's the logic? Started thinking stupid things, eg. he is probably out having a fantastic time, probably on a date, probably hasn't even noticed that we're not in contact, whereas here I am feeling like it's this massive achievement that we've had no contact in 10 days, etc. I ended up talking to B for quite a while and it was interesting because despite feeling a bit crap I did manage to work out some positive things in my head.

I think my mind has been stretched much more in the last week or two than it was in the previous 6 months (perhaps apart from when I did the refugee health thing earlier this year and even then I felt like I had no outlet to discuss it). I'm regaining the rage - reading about things that feel important to me and getting heated about them. I don't particularly feel like socialising most of the time but when I do get out there, I'm good company.

Maybe he was right - maybe he did make me worse. When I think about it properly it's hard to deny that in many ways I "dumbed myself down" in the last couple of years. I stopped making my opinions known and to some extent I think I stopped having opinions about some things. I stopped stretching my mind in the ways that I think it needed to be - thinking about the arts and music and politics in the way I used to.

I realise now that in many ways he is paralysed by his idealism, whereas I'm a pragmatist. He lacks direction because he is so easily discouraged by situations/jobs/relationships being less than ideal, instead of being able to think of ways around them, to deal with what is presented. The way we think about politics, humanitarian aid, love, relationships, work - the difference is clear in everything we do.

Politics is a great example. He reads Noam Chomsky and nothing else. He is actively ignorant of American politics and culture (apart from Chomsky) because he thinks it makes a statement. I think I felt ashamed to tell him that I have been actively following it but why should I have been? It affects - and infects - so much of world politics that to be ignorant of it but still claim to care about politics, humanitarian law, war, human rights, equity, is to be irresponsible in those opinions, isn't it?

Relationships - the same. Not ideal = his parents = catastrophe which cannot be averted, cannot be changed. Work - one bad boss or one bad colleague and it is curtains.

Those are just examples. But I think it applies to the way he thinks about everything. It's funny, because in some ways I think most people assume that idealists are optimists, but in fact I think perhaps that assumption is incorrect and that that sort of idealism fuels defeatism if anything.

B thinks it's suprising that I'm pragmatic but not cynical. It's a big difference. If I can come through this whole sorry saga without becoming cynical I think I'll be doing pretty well!

New pastime

I've been sitting here for 2 hours now. Surfing the internet, writing emails, reading Emergency Sex. I've booked a haircut for tomorrow.

I don't mind this. I've got a pistachio slice and a plunger of green tea in front of me, and life doesn't feel too bad right now.

On call

I've been on call for 28 hours. Only 44 to go. Bugger.

I'm sitting in an internet cafe with wireless internet. I have a book to read, my on-call phone, my phone, music to listen to - I'm all set up.

I had that odd experience again last night of having a resuscitation situation at work and then feeling really, really tempted to call him. I think I have progressed enough now though to know that I'm not actually going to do it. I called Mum just in case. I think it was all compounded by being hypoglycaemic - I went out afterwards with the students, had one glass of wine and a lovely dinner, socialised and laughed and talked. I can do all those things now, when I think about it properly I know that is massive progress from a few weeks ago.

I don't plan to tell him that I'm going or when I'm going. N wants most of my furniture and I've asked her to organise the removals. I just have a few more boxes of stuff to get from the apartment (although it's not in boxes yet, still scattered) and then hopefully the whole horrible process will be finished. I'll be able to properly cut the ties. I sometimes wonder whether it will hit me again once that's done - no more tenuous ties, no lingering connection. Whether it does feel hard or not, I know it is what I have to do. I also know that I should not feel guilty for not wanting him to know anything. As so many of my friends said - when he broke up with me he also gave up the right to know. His guilt is not my responsibility.

Letter

Dear Dr Nguyen,

RE: INCLUSION TO AVI PROGRAMS

I write to confirm your inclusion to the AVI volunteer position of Medical Trainer with Committee for Coordination of Services to Displaced Persons Thailand.

As discussed, your final participation in the Volunteer Program is dependent upon the following conditions:

· Acceptance of your nomination by the overseas employer
· Procurement of your visa and work permits
· A satisfactory health report and criminal history check
· Satisfactory completion of the AVI pre-departure briefing

At this time, your departure has been scheduled for the month of May, 2007.

The final departure date will be confirmed after completion of pre-departure requirements. We suggest that you do not end your current employment or make any irreversible decisions until you receive written confirmation of your assignment from AVI.

This pack contains several documents to assist you with your pre-departure requirements. The following page of this letter contains a checklist and guidelines for the use of each document. Please follow the checklist carefully and complete and return all necessary documentation to AVI as soon as possible.

A staff member from AVI will also contact you shortly to organise your attendance at the compulsory pre-departure briefing. Please advise if your contact details change or if any matters arise that may affect your participation in the program.

Congratulations on making it this far and good luck with your preparation!

Yours sincerely,

AUSTRALIAN VOLUNTEERS INTERNATIONAL

What it's about

I want something extraordinary.

"I just have to try other things" - that is not extraordinary.

1 week, no contact

I wrote a really long post yesterday but it's on my laptop and I left my USB key behind when I left my last work placement - it should arrive in the mail before the end of the week though. Must remember to post it retrospectively, was feeling quite "thinky" when I wrote it.

So it's been seven whole days, no contact. I wonder if he's noticed?

Of course he's noticed.

And of course if I were "over" this then I wouldn't even think about whether he's noticed or not!

Work is still really slow. I'm on call tonight, I'm hoping it will be quiet and that my sleep won't be too interrupted. Tomorrow night my consultant, the resident and I are going out to a nice restaurant for dinner which should be good. I've felt a little below par at times today and I know it's just natural to flag a bit at times but that doesn't help much when I'm actually in the process of flagging! I know I just need to drag myself through, remember what J-mother-of-T said - "if it is worth having it will come back, but in the meantime this is just trash". When I'm feeling rational I know I shouldn't go back and fortunately circumstances should get in the way of my ever trying to do anything toward that un-what? unsavoury? undesirable? unhealthy? Probably all of the above, actually.

I'm still a bit fidgety about confirming this job. I know they've already told me it's mine but I will feel much better once I have it in writing! They still haven't done all the reference checks so I'm just waiting, waiting... I just know that things will be a whirlwind after I finish up here and head home. I'm going to Perth for a few days of relaxing and hopefully fun stuff, and then there's the potential for things to happen very very quickly after that. I'm sure I won't feel "ready" - psychologically or practically - by the time I leave. In the last couple of days I've talked to a couple of people who have been in Chiang Mai recently and loved it, which is great. I'll be there for 5 weeks to start, so it's good to hear good words about it. Then after that -- who knows how things will be? Hopefully as positively life-changing as everyone seems to know it will be (everyone but me, that is). I do think sometimes that I won't be able to help but feel better after a while, even if I want to be miserable. Even these last few weeks have taught me that, and life hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs.

What I can do

Work didn’t pick up – we sort of killed time until 5 and then wandered home. Tonight I am going to this BBQ, there is this part of me that is baulking but I know I have to push myself out there, meet people, be sociable, in some ways I guess I need to forge an identity on my own. The latter is much more for myself than for others because it seems that people have never really seen me as “half of a couple”, certainly not my friends anyway. But I feel like that’s how I’ve seen myself to a large extent and I need to build up a bank of experiences on my own to prove for my own benefit that I am just as much on my own as I was as part of a couple.

I met some more people today and talked some more about everything. Still getting the same, incredibly enthusiastic response when I tell others about this job and this upcoming trip, especially in the context of the breakup. Mum keeps telling me again and again that it will be amazing, and that I will be great. She hasn’t been so openly proud of anything I’ve done in a long time.

I know that just slowly, I’m emerging from this foggy, unhappy mess. I know that even if I don’t feel like things are improving, there are things I can do now that I couldn’t do 3 weeks ago.

I can get out of bed without crying.
I can get through a whole day without crying.
I can read novels (as long as they do not hit too close to home).
I can listen to lots of different music (currently Starsailor).
I can talk to strangers.
I can listen to other people talk about themselves without feeling like I desperately need to talk about me me me me me.
I laugh.
I can make bad jokes.
I can sleep, most nights.
I can be away from home and my family.
I can look ahead – sort of – to what is next.
I can combat the urge to call him.
I can eat.
I can feel emotions other than utter despair.

This man who I met on the shuttle to the airport (from the last town where I worked) talked quite a lot about his experiences with life and love (and two divorces). He said that someone once told him to think about the phrase, “Life is an illusion” and work out what he thought it meant. I don’t know what I think it means yet. But maybe it’s all to do with perspective, how I construct my world from the inside and how I view what happens. And, I guess, how fallible, fickle, unpredictable the world is.

Things do have a way of working themselves out though. That’s how I’m comforting myself.

Slack

This job is really slack. There are 2 registrars, a resident and the consultant. We currently have 1 patient.

Fortunately everyone seems really nice. I'm going to a medical student BBQ tonight (they are all grads so a few are around my age I think, some are probably even older) and it's "Food Week". The students are going to try and procure me a bicycle, which will make life easier too.

I'm a little worried about the workload - or lack thereof - over the next couple of weeks. I'm better when I'm busy, too much time to think otherwise. I spoke to A last night on the phone, just because things were feeling a bit quiet and I was feeling a bit pensive. It does help. I still wonder if he's thinking about me or us or the situation. I know the no-contact rule is good, I know I am better for it, but a part of my mind worries that he'll forget. Then the rational bit of my mind tries to remind me that it doesn't matter if he forgets or remembers, in fact it doesn't matter what he does/thinks/says at all. But the adjustment is still hard.

Onward

So today I got in a teeny tiny litle plane and took a turbulent ride to my next destination. The hospital here isn't nice and shiny like where I was, and my accommodation is - ahem - spartan, but I'm here, there's internet access at the library (although I can't get the wireless network at my accommodation that one of the others can, much to my consternation).

My "home" hospital is taking over the world (or at least this regional centre) - much to my surprise when I boarded the plane, I discovered that one of the junior residents from last year and one of the senior radiologists were both on the same flight! So there's my lonely theory partly blasted. The people here seem very friendly. Something about country hospitals I'm sure. The children's ward looked suspiciously empty. I don't mind things being sedate but I would like at least a few patients!

I also got an email back from AVI's Thailand manager answering some questions about the job. It's so strange and scary and starting to get a bit exciting - I am asking real questions about a real job which I am really going to do! We are talking about real things like extra clinical work and leave entitlements and language training - is it starting to sink in? I'm not sure! But I keep telling myself that I am really going to do this and it seems somehow unbelievable. Me?

There was an interesting topic posted today on an internet forum I frequent; the person who posted it was asking whether we would choose to erase our memories of past relationships if we could, a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? To be honest right now I would LOVE to have all my memories of the last 4 years erased. I would LOVE for it to have never happened. But conscience and experience tell me that no, really - all of this stuff has made me who I am now and shaped the way I think about life, love, everything really. I'm not really loving who I am at the moment but as B said last night on the phone, that's probably partly situational.

5 days without contact. And definitely counting!

The next place

I'm leaving here tomorrow morning - heading inland to another regional centre. In some ways the apprehension is just like leaving home was 3 days ago; I know people here, people know me, I've enjoyed working here, while the next job is just a whole heap of unknowns. My resident spent quite a bit of time today looking up things for me to do and telling me about people he knows there - such a lovely person. I don't think he will ever really understand how much he has helped me in his little everyday friendly way. It's just another example of how people have popped up and out of the woodwork to contribute a little to my hmmm...recovery? That's what this ultimately is, isn't it?

One of my friends in Perth suggested going over there for a few days after I finish up with this working trip. It sounds really appealing actually, getting out of town again and seeing different people, going to new places. I was talking to Mum about it on the phone and realising that potentially there's really not very much time between now and when I'll probably leave. Maybe a month or 5 weeks after I get back. I'd like to fit in a trip to Vietnam if I can. Will have to talk to AVI about whether that can be slotted in before I start work in Thailand.

I'm trying to think ahead, be a bit organised. I emailed uni today to ask about getting a project out of this year. In some ways I'd like to, it would be nice to have proper documentation about what I've done - getting some sort of concrete result out of it (ie formally written) would be a nice counterpoint to what will hopefully be an amazing personal experience.

Low

I spoke to Mum after that last post – I just suddenly felt so low! I don’t know whether it was tiredness or being away from home or the events of the last couple of days at work – probably a combination of all of those things.

I think in some ways I did well, because I felt pretty awful and yet I was able to reflect on the last few days and remember all the good things that had happened. I was looking at photos of Mae Hong Son again today and occasionally just getting a flicker of that excitement and anticipation I wrote about yesterday. I remembered what the guy from AVI and my mentor from work had said about me. I thought about how I’d handled the emergencies at work, how I’d been able to think about them clearly and systematically and how I’d been able to work it all out for the best.

I was talking about how I don’t think he understands the separation and what it really means, doesn’t understand that our lives can no longer in any way be shared, doesn’t see why I don’t want to share what I’m doing with him. Mum said that the cuts need to be as clean and surgical as possible, because I don’t want a tear – good analogy I suppose. Thinking about it, I see that the only way to demonstrate it to him is to do it; do it not primarily to show him, but because talking about it and doing it are mutually exclusive. The reality of it is so difficult. As my resident left today his parting words were, “Don’t call him!” and I was glad that he said that. I need all the reinforcement I can get.

Mum said somethiing on the phone tonight which I didn’t expect – she said that she had been really surprised during this whole time that I so lack in self-confidence and self-esteem, and that she hadn’t realised that I felt that way about myself. I suppose she’s right; I think it’s a mixture of being so extroverted and being so terrified of failure that has sort of led me to a cycle of not believing in myself and constantly needing to prove myself wrong. I guess I have always on some level then extrapolated that to the way that I think others must think of me. Mum says I need to take the comments of others on board – that I am capable, that I am talented, that I am valued and that others think highly of me – and just accept them for what they are. She says that none of these people owe me anything, none of them have anything to gain by sucking up to me, so I should just believe them and believe that what they say is true. I do know that she’s right, I have at times over the last few weeks thought about this of my own accord. It is especially hard at the moment though. My resident was saying last night that when he had a bad breakup he kept thinking, “If the one person who knows me better than anyone doesn’t want me – then who could?”. That is exactly how I feel – not just about whether people will want me, but whether people think I’m a good person, or whether anyone will love me, or whether I have real worth, even whether I’m a good doctor. Stupid. But true.

People keep telling me that my time away will be life-changing, that nothing will look quite the same again afterwards and that it will force me to reassess, reprioritise, give me new perspective and new drive. In some ways I am impatient to get to a year from now, because I want to know how I will be by then. I want to know what will feel important, whether this will really feel less important (even though I know rationally that it will), whether my career ambitions will change or whether my outlook on life will be different.

I guess I just have to live it out and see. At the moment I’m just sitting here with my computer, my candle and Ben Lee playing in the background, wondering how it will all happen.

Sad

I feel sad.

I've just spent 3 hours resuscitating a really sick baby; yesterday I spent about the same amount of time resuscitating a really sick child, both of whom ended up on maximal support and being airlifted out of here.

I want to tell him about it. I feel miserable that I can't.

Silence

Today is the third day without any sort of contact at all. I think it's the longest since the split happened, and I think it's good even though it doesn't feel good - surely by now I have to believe that this is better (according to the "no contact = bad, contact = worse" rule).

Last night I went out for dinner with my resident and a friend of his, it was really good to get out with people who have nothing whatsoever to do with the situation. I ate properly yesterday, even had a glass of wine, and I was fine.

I emailed my referees yesterday to let them know that reference checks for me are coming their way. One of them - my principal referee, I guess - wrote back immediately. This is a guy who I met about 5 years ago; he is this amazing person who was the head of a big clinical department and then stepped down from that job to head up a new branch of the hospital in international health, and since has set up education and clinical training courses in several developing nations. He's become a bit of a mentor of sorts, particularly over the last 6 months. His reply really made me feel like I am getting somewhere in life, funny how even a brief email can do that. He told me that I am pretty special and that he thinks I'll go a very long way (this is something he has said repeatedly and I've always just felt sort of embarrassed that he thinks I'm that good because I sort of think it's not deserved). He gave me a whole heap of contact details for people he knows who do work related to what I'll be doing, and sent introduction emails off to them, etc. The last thing he said was, "Go for it!".

I do want to.

I need to be very careful that I don't just lose my willpower and make a rash phonecall in the next couple of weeks. Need to maintain that silence and increase the distance.

One of my older, wiser friends wrote this to me yesterday (talking about the new job and the current difficulties):

"Q, this is such a cliche but we all learn from tough moments in our lives and for you, this is one of them. Embrace & enjoy what is to come."

Work

I'm back at work today. It feels odd.

What feels really odd is that I'm not dialling that familiar number, not having stupid short conversations, no "Okay, bye!", no sharing, no just because.

Otherwise I'm okay. Got a little bit of sleep last night and talked to B for quite a while. I felt quite angry and that was good for me, I think. Today it's back to the whole no-contact-is-bad/contact-would-be-so-much-worse thing. Thankfully I'm not staying in the same place as last time, and this new place is much nicer - much homier, not as spartan/cockroach-infested/depressing/dark. I have a different resident too.

I caught up with R last night, an old friend I'd had no contact with for a while. I was just talking about how things don't seem "right" but that everyone says they will again eventually. He said, "Yes - a different 'right' but still right". That's probably it, I think.

I hope I'll be resilient enough to do this job. I told the guy from the organisation that I had been really worried that the situation would jeopardise my chances of getting the job - he said that they had flagged it as a concern but that after interviewing me the second time, they were satisfied that I would be all right, and that he thought I had "a certain maturity" about me which made them confident that I was still the right person for the job. I hope so. I was completely honest with them at the interview - I didn't deny that it'd been a difficult time and that things weren't all back to normal yet; I did say though that I thought by the time of dispatch I'd be okay. That I don't know yet but surely with this amount of time two-fold to come, it's a reasonable guess, I think.

A shock

Yesterday I went around to the apartment to get more stuff.

Turned key in lock, opened door. Bathroom light on, music playing. He said, "I'm in."

He didn't get the text I'd sent him in the morning. It was horrible. I sat shaking in the liftwell and he came out about 5 minutes later, looked at me while I tried to decide whether or not to look at him, then left via the back stairwell whilst I went into the flat and burst into tears.

Funnily enough, I was okay about 20 minutes later. I rang him after that. It was stupid. I was saying lots of things that I've said before. He said a whole heap of crap about how this wasn't right and that wasn't right and we never got started properly - whatever the hell that means. Then he said, "I just have to try other things."

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT ME AND MY FLAWS. THIS IS ABOUT YOU, IDIOT.

He asked me why I was saying the stuff I was saying, that it wasn't helping and he didn't understand why I was saying it. I think I actually apologised. Now I wish I'd said, "You lied to me by omission. You deceived me for weeks. You betrayed me, you strayed if not in body then in mind, you broke my trust. You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. I don't have any fucking obligation to make you feel better about what you've done. PLUS STOP EMAILING ME WITH YOUR FUCKED UP IDEAS ABOUT US, I DREW THE LINE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW, REMEMBER???"

Anyway. Let it go, let it go. If I tell myself enough times, it'll happen - right?

I had my 2nd round interview for this o/s job today. It went well - as expected they asked me heaps of questions about how the relationship breakup would affect my ability to work. I was ready to lynch J if his stupidity jeopardised my chances of getting it, but it went swimmingly and they told me it'd just be a matter of doing the paperwork, reference checks, etc. Then they rang me back 2 hours later for good measure, just to let me know that in fact it would probably all happen more quickly than they'd thought.

So it's all very exciting but also completely terrifying. Everyone else seems to think I can do it, so why don't I feel so sure? I guess it's because everything seems uncertain and shaky at the moment. Still - departure is probably still a good 6-7 weeks away, so that's a long way off considering how recent the shake-up has been. M gave me the name of a good psychologist today, I want to try that out to see if I can get some pointers on how to cope on my own, how to get myself out of holes, etc.

Boundaries

So after that email yesterday I felt really, really upset and angry. I rang the estate agent and arranged to be taken off the lease. I rang the gas, electricity and water companies and arranged for the services in my name to be ceased. I emailed him – a very terse message detailing the practicalities I had sorted out. I talked to some friends, told them about it, generally felt very angry.

Then I felt awful. It felt like we were fighting.

So I rang him and I told him that’s how I felt and how much I hated it. I told him that we shouldn’t discuss the relationship because all we were doing was hurting each other. I told him I didn’t want us to fight.

Unfortunately we then talked for about half an hour; he got quite emotional and teary. I never know what that means. Does that mean it feels wrong? Does that mean he feels guilty? Does that mean he’s feeling a sense of loss? Does that mean he’s wondering if he did the right thing? He tells me he just figures it’s pain he has to feel to get through it.

I went around to the apartment last night with G and got more stuff. It felt odd, and sort of cold – as if the personality and warmth had been drained from the place. I emptied the dishwasher. I’m not sure why. I put all the “us” things in a box but then I left it there because I didn’t want to take it with me – wasn’t sure what I’d do with it.

I dreamt about him last night, then this morning I woke up and found myself thinking about us getting back together – would it happen? Could it happen? How would it happen? How would I convince him it was the right thing to do? How would I convince myself it was the right thing to do? So much second guessing.

So I called one of my friends and she said exactly the right things. She told me that things would work themselves out for the best one way or another; she told me that if we ever got back together then that would have to come from him; and she said that I need some time and space to be on my own, concentrate on me, sort myself out, go and do new things. And she was absolutely right.

In the meantime, I need to stick by what I said to him yesterday, which I know is right: we shouldn’t talk about things with each other. I just have to somehow put the impatient/control freak/planning part of me aside and just see what life brings. And I have to remember that he’s not gone – he’s just not in my life, at least for the time being.

Non-retrospective vent

God, I am SO angry. I got an email from him this morning, saying amongst other things that he never felt like our relationship got started properly and that he "waited for three years for it to get started properly but it never did". Also that he was "disappointed" that our conversation a week ago made me "worse" because he thought that we had "sorted through a lot of issues" for me. He brought up the problems "every day" and we never fixed them (how can tidying the house be such a massive fucking problem, and if that wasn't what it was about, what the hell ARE you talking about?) and he needs to know whether the problems would be so "big" in other relationships with other people.

The thing is, until now I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt and believing that there is some rational substance to the increasingly unpleasant things he is saying, just because I always thought he was so considerate, thoughtful, always thought about what he was going to say before saying it. G says that I need to stop looking for logical connections between the things he says because those connections just aren't there and that he isn't being reasonable. B, J, A and M have all said something similar.

I am beginning to believe that they're right.

And I am so much better off without him. J-mother-of-T is right. This is just trash.

Retrospective vent

This is a retrospective vent as it's already passed, and I just forgot to put it here when it happened.

I am so sick of his, "I just want to make it easier", "I just want to help you move on", "I really hope you're okay" bullshit. He thought he was helping me move on with all that "pragmatic" crap?

What I really wanted to write in my reply email (which I shouldn't have written at all but did) is:

YOU ARE NOT MY BEST FRIEND. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS BETTER. STOP TRYING TO ASSUAGE YOUR GUILT BY TRYING TO "HELP" ME. YOU ENDED THIS RELATIONSHIP. THERE IS NO MORE COLLABORATION, THERE IS NO "HELPING", THERE IS NO "US". THAT IS WHAT THIS MEANS. FUCK OFF.

Well, that last bit would probably not be there, but the rest of it would have!

Okay, vented.

Bruckner

Today I listened to Bruckner 9 from beginning to end. It was a bit disjointed because I met up with J (I should give the Js numbers, there are too many of them) and then finished it on the way home, but I was pleasantly surprised - firstly that I wanted to listen to it at all, and secondly because I enjoyed it so much. I also bought some music magazines and another book to read. I haven't spent much time wallowing, and I've spent some time trying to think about what J (mother of T) said yesterday.

Had brunch with A this morning, which was really good. She gave me a poem she'd found, which I've already misplaced - oops - but which was appropriate for me at the moment.

Have to try and get the rest of my stuff this week. Ugh. Hope I can do it and get through without dissolving into a wreck. Have the interview on Thursday, too.

Life is - just slowly - going on.