Reaffirmation

I couldn't think of the word I wanted for the title of this post, so it's not exactly what I intended but the right word isn't coming to me.

Today I still feel semi-human. I'm a bit worried that I'm only feeling better because talking on the phone with him yesterday might have somehow convinced a sneaky little part of my brain that we haven't broken up, or something. Don't know if that makes sense. In any case I'm surprised to be sort of okay today, but to be honest I need all the good surprises I can get at the moment so I guess I'll just try to roll with it.

My taxi driver last night told me that the world would bring me good things and not to worry. Lots of older and wiser people are telling me that they understand how I feel from their own experiences and that as unbelievable as it seems, things really will be all right one day.

I haven't cried since yesterday afternoon - have come close, but not quite done it! - which is a bit amazing really. I talked to a friend of mine last night who went through a far worse break-up 2 years ago and never thought she would get through it, and I felt better after our long chat.

I've been thinking about it a lot (how surprising) and I'm trying to come to the realisation that no matter whether the problems were real or perceived, it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't change the fact that for whatever reasons, each of us was somehow unable to give the other what he/she needed. Eventually I have to accept that that's not good enough for me, I think. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm trying.

I also had a few moments of clarity (only a few, but it's a start) yesterday evening when I realised that not having contact with him is important; no matter how imperative and urgent it feels for me to tell him how I feel or even to "plead my case" or whatever, I am beginning to see that it won't change anything for the better, and if anything will hinder rather than help. I just need to try and remember that, and suppress the urge when it seems irresistible.

Despite that, I'm not sorry that I spoke to him yesterday. I managed to get lots of thoughts off my chest and it showed me exactly those things I was just talking about - that things will not be changed at the moment by anything I say. What I really wanted to tell him was that I miss him, and now it's said.

So I still don't know when I'll be happy again - and I'm not even sure that I believe I will, yet - but I hope my mind and my heart will start to have longer periods of calm amongst the hurt and angst, and I hope that these short periods of feeling not-quite-so-despairing augur well for the days and weeks to come.