One week

Today it is 1 week since it ended.

I'm not really sure what I should be taking out of this so far. Should I be feeling encouraged because today I am so much less distraught than 7 days ago? Should I be feeling down because I realise there is so much of me that I need to work on? I'm not sure.

The overwhelming thing that has happened is that my friends - people who were my best friends before, people I was friendly with but not really "friends" with, people who I hadn't seen or spoken to in a long time - have all stepped in to support, love and cry with me. I feel guilty at times because I know that there is a part of me that would trade all that wonderful, unconditional support in an instant; I also know, though, that they understand that and accept it.

After talking to my mother for quite a while this morning I am vaguely wondering if I will end up tortured down the track by the things that are my flaws, my foibles, my failings? It is hard to silence the little voice in my head that keeps wondering if things would be different had I been more disciplined, had I had more perspective on which battles to fight, if I'd been more responsible?

In the end I know that all I can do is pick up these lessons and work on them now, and that musing on the past and wishing I could change it will only leave me hung up and unable to live my life the way I should.

J - I know you are not reading this now, and I don't know that you ever will, but I know that I have to let you go. And I am trying to have faith that it is for the best, for both of us.