A first

Tonight is really the first night that I have felt properly positive about things. I think the clincher was his “pragmatism” (see earlier post), and talking to friends earlier.

What I can see tonight that I hadn’t been able to properly discern before is that he, as he is now with the issues he has now and the way he is thinking now, is not the person whose loss I am mourning. It’s as if he is standing in front of me now, the way he is now, and he casts a thousand shadows behind him from the last 3 years and 9 months, various shadows of various hims who were right for me; he casts all those shadows but the real three-dimensional person standing in front of me at the moment, with his confusion and uncertainty and new ideas, is not the one I want – is not enough for me.

It strikes me that if I met him for the first time now,I probably wouldn’t give him a chance.

I don’t think this positivity will be lasting – I’d be foolish if I thought it would be – but I hope that in the dark days that will undoubtedly follow at times over the next few months, I can somehow still find a flicker of the way I’m feeling at the moment. Tonight he is not right for me, and for the first time I see that arising from my own feelings, rather than basing it around his.

And as my sister was just saying to me, if he were still the person he was a year ago, then he would be the right person. And we would not be where we are now.

Maybe one day I will even – although admittedly this is stretching it – thank him for the conversation we had today.