Damn

Weakened again. Rang him to get the lease, furniture, utilities sorted out, ended up talking for 3 hours.

It wasn't bad, just hard. But then again, this is all hard.

I hate how much it hurts me to know that he is already looking ahead to his next relationship when this one has barely been over for a week. I know that it's not because he's a bad person - as he says, it was part of the point of ending this relationship that he needed to go and explore others. It just really stings that he's already being so "pragmatic", as he puts it. I guess it's because from where I am at the moment, I can't imagine being with anyone else or wanting to be with anyone else. I know he's a few steps ahead of me. It's just really difficult not to feel like he's cheapening what we had and everything that it meant, by wanting to move on to the next thing so swiftly.

I really need to get a grip on the fact that this is over. I'm not quite sure how - sometimes I feel like I just can't - but I know it needs to happen. As my friend A says, "Time is non-negotiable!" but sometimes I just want it to happen now now right NOW. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I want to see where life will take me, I want to be over this, I want to enjoy things, I want to learn how to be on my own, I want to see what the future holds, I want it all.

And (to quote Freddie Mercury) I want it now.

I want to want good things for him, I want to want him to be happy and mean it, even if it's without me, I just want to know that this all has meaning without him.

So, life: I'm waiting.