After my day of appalling self control - or lack thereof - I somehow managed to grab my first window of "okay time" tonight. That is, time not spent a) crying, b) wondering, c) crying, d) despairing or e) crying (amazingly). I may have even smiled a couple of times. I am not under any illusion that this will last, but it was sort of a pleasant surprise - that despite everything being pretty shit really, I can still feel semi-human for a while.
My friends and my sister (who is wise beyond her years) tell me that gradually the little pockets of time when I feel okay will lengthen, and it'll be easier to get through the days. It really can't get that much harder, surely?
In the fleeting moments that I feel optimistic (which is my natural state of being when unstressed, I think) I can kind of nearly see - through lots of fog - that eventually I will be all right, with or (more likely at the moment) without him. The rest of the time is doom and gloom. But still - it's a tiny flicker of hope, which I desperately need at the moment.
I truly don't understand what happened or how it happened or why, but I hope that eventually those things will cease to feel so vitally important and I will be able to accept whatever good life has to give me. At the moment, though, I do think (despite the optimistic tone of this post) that the struggle to understand, for answers, will consume a good deal of my thoughts.
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