A backward step

I am really, really struggling today.

I slept fitfully - the first night I haven't taken a sedative - and woke up this morning confused and unsure of where I was. When it dawned that I wasn't in my bed with him by my side, I fell into a hole and haven't been able to pull myself out of it since.

I just can't understand how we "weren't good for each other". I can't understand how this can possibly feel right for him, or even just not wrong. Every minute feels wrong for me at the moment, and I feel a desperate urge to run away from myself, as if that would make the problem cease to exist and would allow me some escape from this relentless fog of pain and incomprehension.

Today it feels like nothing will ever be right again. I feel like in a month, a year, 2 years, 5 years, it will still feel wrong. I feel like I'll never reach equilibrium again and I'll never be able to do all the things I wanted to, or to have everything I've always wanted. I feel like I'll never be happy again and that I will end up twisted, obsessed, haunted by this always.

Will it ever be easier? I can't see it.