Today would have been our fourth anniversary.

How things change.

Changes

I said goodbye.

Today I tried to think of his voice, and it took me ages - I just couldn't get it to come into my head.

I can't remember and I can't decide
What was the season and the colour of your eyes?

I can't remember the colour of his eyes.

I'm letting go I think, bit by bit.

Angry

For fuck's sake, how HARD is it to be in the apartment for half an hour to let the removalists in and point out all the stuff that's not yours?

You broke up with me, turned my life upside down, and since then I have had to make countless trips to get all my stuff out, I have had to organise ALL of the practical things, all you have had to do is sit on your arse and wait for it all to happen and now you are refusing to give up half an hour of your valuable time to give just a tiny bit of assistance?

PULL YOUR FUCKING FINGER OUT. You are SO SELFISH.

Why the hell did you email me about it anyway? It's not between you and me, N is organising the removals and made that perfectly clear to you. Why must you continue to drag me down when I just want to get on with putting my life back together?

Seriously, just get OUT of my life.

Love After Love

The time will come
When, with elation,
You will greet yourself arriving
At your own door, in your own mirror,
And each will smile at the other’s welcome,

And say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
To itself, to the stranger who has loved you

All your life, whom you ignored
For another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

The photographs, the desperate notes,
Peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

(Derek Walcott - courtesy of my friend A)

Third party

Today I had my first session with a psychologist. It was really good - he is kind and firm and very straight-forward, which is exactly what I was hoping he would be. Unexpectedly I actually cried quite a bit, more than I have in one go for a couple of weeks now. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing. I think it was a combination of his kindness, his incisive questions at crucial points ("What is the purpose of deceit?") and having someone able to reformulate and summarise so succinctly and exactly HOW I have been feeling for the last 6 weeks.

Apparently, when I've done all the necessary crying, I won't cry any more :)

In the end it's been a bit of a teary day, but it's definitely different from the sort of teary days I was having 6 weeks ago. Now it's triggered by something - a song lyric, a kind word - and it erupts and then rapidly settles and I'm able to get on with whatever I'm trying to do. Sometimes I resent the interruption - and I get frustrated with what I often perceive to be a lack of self-control - but apparently it's healthy and normal and has to be done. If it has to be done, I'll do it.

So - a few things from today, things I'd like to remember:

• the point of deceit is to hide something - and so the fact that I didn't see any of this coming is not my fault, there is nothing I could have done, and I should never blame myself for it
• his turning towards others may have been just as much him turning away from me
  
• at the moment he's "centerstage" in my mind - but time will gradually move him into the wings
• one day he'll just be someone I loved once, someone I knew once
• all decisions are emotional ones - there is no such thing as a completely "rational" decision
• I don't know how he is grieving, and how he is or isn't, isn't important for my recovery and isn't the point - he is not a reference point for me
• he wants absolution from me but guilt is a violation of one's own ethics, and if that is what he has done he has to deal with it for himself, not look to me for a solution
• This process is about letting go - of him, of us, of responsibility, of all the issues and joys and good and bad times - and it is about accepting that he will not come back

We talked about my imminent going away too, but not as much. Maybe next time.

Ithaka

As you set out for Ithaka
hope your road is a long one,
full of adventure, full of discovery.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
angry Poseidon - don't be afraid of them:
you'll never find the things like that on your way
as long as you keep thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
Laistrygonians, Cyclops,
wild Poseidon - you won't encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

Hope your road is a long one.
May there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbours you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at Phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony.
Sensual perfume of every kind -
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many Egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

Keep Ithaka always in your mind.
Arriving there is what you're destined for.
But don't hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaka to make you rich.

Ithaka gave you the marvellous journey.
Without her you wouldn't have set out.
She has nothing left to give you now.

And if you find her poor, Ithaka won't have fooled you.
Wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these Ithakas mean.

(Cafavy)

Deja vu all over again

I'm back from Perth - I had such a good time! Unfortunately the same dreary feeling descended upon my return; I felt like this when I came back from interstate last time as well. It seems that the further removed from the wretched "situation" I am, the better I am. So Thailand should be a perfect tonic based on that theory, right?

A and C (the friends I stayed with in Perth) were so great. They'd actually talked between themselves quite a bit about me and my problems, and they are a bit older and wiser which always seems to help. A and I chatted about it for quite a while today before I left. She thinks that at least a very significant proportion of the breakup was due to what she calls "Exam Psychosis"; she and C both did their exams last year and she says that at times she really didn't think that they'd make it, and perhaps in hindsight one thing that helped save them was that "divorce is so messy"! This is hard to believe, looking at them now - they are such a balanced, healthy, functional couple and it's difficult to see them ever having such difficult times.

But their experience - and that of their friends, and of mine - is that it really is that bad, and that it does destroy people and their relationships. In the end it still doesn't matter, because it doesn't change where I am right now. For what it's worth, A thinks that when the whole exam thing is over, and after the post-exam traumatic stress, he will think about this and he will realise one day that it was Exam Psychosis that led to the split - and that by then it will be too late. This is probably true, if he ever does have that epiphany, which I actually don't think he will. He is so good at pushing things he doesn't want to think about to the back of his mind - as I found out so recently - that I don't think he'll ever get to the stage of processing it to that degree. Plus, he will probably start his next relationship before the exams are even over - "just pragmatically", of course! - so there's some more processing killed.

And in any case, as I have known all along - even if he did come to see that he made the wrong choice, I don't see how it could work ever again, even if I really wanted it to. I can't see how any amount of counselling, any amount of talking and discussing and confiding, could possibly make me believe that anything had really changed. When I have those down evenings, I want the old future back, not a new one in which all of this has happened. Even if he came back and said, "I was wrong", what would I do? I think I'd probably say, "Prove it". And how can someone do that?

Anyway, his last email was just recycling the same old shit that he was spouting back in the first week after the relationship, so to imagine he will ever think it through to the extent that I have seems just a tad unrealistic.

Perth

I'm posting from Perth - arrived here at lunchtime, have already had a lovely boozy lunch, lots of girly gasbagging, played with two beautiful cats and am now sitting on the couch at A's place playing with wireless internet while A plays on her matching laptop on the couch.

It is good to be away from Melbourne again. It's also good to be talking to people who had nothing to do with us as a couple. I'm quite tired from the early start this morning and the 2 hour time difference, but overall I feel quite satisfied with my day. Which is not a bad state of affairs, considering.

A bit of stasis

My suspicions were right - I'm actually not doing as well here in Melbourne as I was when I was away from home. It's a mixture of things - being in familiar places, going past the apartment, the fact that he emailed me on the day I got back, having to move stuff out of the apartment, those sorts of things. Ugh. It really sucks.

I'm off to Perth tomorrow though, which will be good I think. Good to be in a new place - I've only ever been to Perth once and that was 7 years ago - with new people doing different things. Hopefully my aches and pains (which I'm blaming on the 4 immunisations I had yesterday) will have worn off a bit by tomorrow. A change of scene will be good.

So surely the "change of scene" that moving to Thailand will bring, will also be a massive positive too? I wish it would sink in a bit more. It's that feeling of being dragged along by life rather than really being in it at the moment, although I'm much better than I was. I'm able to joke and laugh and drink and eat and have a good time. There is a bit of an undercurrent of "empty" but it's more manageable than it was. I've got all the information about the pre-departure briefing now, and I've the rest of my medical stuff lined up. All that really remains is to get that plane ticket in my hand. Perhaps that will be the clincher. It's only 32 days until I leave. I bet I'll look back when I've been over there for a while and wonder why I didn't make more of the time I had before leaving, but I am trying pretty hard! There's no way to make all these difficulties in my head go away, so it's just a matter of working around them as best as I can until I go.

And maybe once I've left, and had a bit of time to process all the changes and the shock, I'll feel freed of all of this. That would be amazing.

A sort of reverse schadenfreude

What is wrong with me? I have just heard the news that my friends T and S are engaged, and I have sent the happy congratulations message and I know I should be sincerely happy for them, but instead I feel like crying.

Okay, so I know what is wrong with me. But I feel horrible about it, I can't believe that I am actually taking personal misery out of my friends' happiness. They deserve it, they are fantastic people. So why can't I set aside my own problems for a minute and just give them the unabashed delight that they deserve?

I have started reading this book that K suggested, a book about ending relationships and how to cope. She was right - it is great. It really does normalise the whole experience. There is a section on the language of the "dumper" and "dumpee" which has my situation in a nutshell. Lots of reminders not to start a new relationship until I'm finished working through this one, and to make friends instead in the meantime. Lots about anger, grief, guilt, rejection. There are 19 chapters in this book. Rebuilding is going to take 19 chapters? Daunting.

I also spent some time trawling through old emails for some reason - just because they were there, and I happened upon them, and I was curious. Emails between me and B, me and G, me and N, me and my friend R (with whom I had an uncanny, unlikely connection - definitely a "kindred spirit"). Funny to go back and read over all this communication from before this relationship even happened. I guess it reminds me that I had a full, vibrant life before and that logically I should have that again. And that I was interesting to others before - romantically and otherwise - and hopefully I will be again, one day.

But anyway. T and S, I am happy for you. I just don't feel it tonight, and I'm sorry.

Dear ex...

...PLEASE STOP EMAILING ME KTHNXBAI.


UGH.

He can make contact too??

I went to the ballet last night and then out for drinks and tapas with N and her friends - great night had by all. I got home sometime after midnight and checked my email to find (to my great surprise) an email from him. Ugh. Somehow I'd forgotten that he exists as a person who is able to breach my no contact rule, in my head I think I assumed only I could do that. Silly me.

He said things like "How are you? I would be interested to have a little information, although I know I'm not allowed to" and ended with a great postscript that said, "I want you to know that I have no ill feelings towards you whatsoever" and that he wants to know I'm okay because he hopes his "mistakes haven't caused too much harm in the long term".

What a big person. "No ill feelings" - if I was the one who caused all the pain and wanted forgiveness, it passed me by somewhere there. What the hell is that all about?

Little judgemental things aside, I guess what that email showed was that he really hasn't done any of the thinking or soul-searching that I have over the past few weeks. In fact, it sounds very much like he is exactly where he was 3 or 4 weeks ago and that no deeper processing has gone on. I guess this is what I suspected deep down, but part of me had hoped that he would have thought beyond these same tired old phrases; I suppose the likelihood of that being the case was always low!

So I answered the practical questions in his email and ignored all the stuff about me/us/him. I wasn't rude, just firmly avoidant of the questions I didn't want to answer and had decided (back before I left Melbourne) not to be drawn on.

I still don't think I want to see him or talk to him before I leave. He's had a bloody easy ride with this breakup, and I'll say it again: I am not responsible for his guilt, and if he wants to assuage it he'll have to find another way.

Cold

I have a cold. Ugh.

I haven't blogged in two days - I think they are the first days I have missed. I guess I just haven't had a lot to say; not much has happened at work or outside of work so there didn't seem much point to writing.

I got an email from his best friend S yesterday about a reference check that he'd been sent by AVI - he was originally listed as the referee for our joint application and clearly AVI didn't notice this or modify their reference checklist when the joint application became just my application. It was the right thing for him to email me to check what was happening, but I felt a bit annoyed and upset because I just don't want his world crossing over into mine. I don't want him to know what I'm doing or when I'm going - not until after I've gone anyway, or at least much closer to the departure date. In the end I suppose that's a bit petty and unimportant, and in any case he's not getting his information from me, so I shouldn't give it too much thought or concern. I guess I'd just been doing such a good job of keeping things separate, and I sort of feel a bit put out that that separation has been breached in some small way.

I don't intend to contact him at all - even about furniture removals or any of that stuff - until after I get back from Perth. By then we will have had almost a full month without contact, and I will still have ample time to get things organised. I'm sure he is not thinking about things the same way as I am, and I am sure that this no-contact thing has been great for him and his goal of "moving on"; that does make me feel a bit strange but I have to remember that I am making progress and that I have done so much better in the last couple of weeks than I was doing before. I guess I should try to remember that the separation I'm seeking also applies to how we deal with things now, and that I should not try to measure my progress against his or what I assume his to be.

I'm going home tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing my family and friends, and Perth looks like it will be really fun. Fingers crossed.

Getting organised

I have organised the following things:

• Pre-departure medical
• Trip to Perth
• Have contacted uni about doing a project
• Appointment with psychologist

The latter is something I have been thinking of doing for a while. In fact thinking back now, I'm not nearly as much of a basketcase as I thought I would be, but now the primary motivation for seeing someone about things is to work out some self-protective mechanisms in preparation for moving overseas. Things to do with being on my own, being a bit more self-sufficient, learning to reframe new and potentially scary situations, combatting feelings of social phobia and isolation, that sort of thing.

I don't know if I'm being a bit ridiculous about all of this, but I suppose it is about reclaiming control after a situation in which I still feel I had none. I want to minimise my baggage, minimise my "unproductive" recovery time, I suppose. I want to lessen my chances of getting hung up on things and be able to get myself moving when I don't feel like it.

I figure that's not a bad thing.

A few realisations

Last night I went out for dinner with one of the other doctors who I knew from Melbourne. It was good - we ended up talking a lot about my upcoming trip, the reasons why I want to do what I'm going to do, how I feel about it, all that sort of thing. I thought about it for a while afterwards and I thought that what I was saying was probably quite interesting. Maybe I'm not as staid and boring and opinionless as I feel I have been for a while now, maybe months, maybe much longer.

Anyway.

I got back and felt a bit flat, actually. Silly because I'd just been thinking that what I had talked about was interesting - where's the logic? Started thinking stupid things, eg. he is probably out having a fantastic time, probably on a date, probably hasn't even noticed that we're not in contact, whereas here I am feeling like it's this massive achievement that we've had no contact in 10 days, etc. I ended up talking to B for quite a while and it was interesting because despite feeling a bit crap I did manage to work out some positive things in my head.

I think my mind has been stretched much more in the last week or two than it was in the previous 6 months (perhaps apart from when I did the refugee health thing earlier this year and even then I felt like I had no outlet to discuss it). I'm regaining the rage - reading about things that feel important to me and getting heated about them. I don't particularly feel like socialising most of the time but when I do get out there, I'm good company.

Maybe he was right - maybe he did make me worse. When I think about it properly it's hard to deny that in many ways I "dumbed myself down" in the last couple of years. I stopped making my opinions known and to some extent I think I stopped having opinions about some things. I stopped stretching my mind in the ways that I think it needed to be - thinking about the arts and music and politics in the way I used to.

I realise now that in many ways he is paralysed by his idealism, whereas I'm a pragmatist. He lacks direction because he is so easily discouraged by situations/jobs/relationships being less than ideal, instead of being able to think of ways around them, to deal with what is presented. The way we think about politics, humanitarian aid, love, relationships, work - the difference is clear in everything we do.

Politics is a great example. He reads Noam Chomsky and nothing else. He is actively ignorant of American politics and culture (apart from Chomsky) because he thinks it makes a statement. I think I felt ashamed to tell him that I have been actively following it but why should I have been? It affects - and infects - so much of world politics that to be ignorant of it but still claim to care about politics, humanitarian law, war, human rights, equity, is to be irresponsible in those opinions, isn't it?

Relationships - the same. Not ideal = his parents = catastrophe which cannot be averted, cannot be changed. Work - one bad boss or one bad colleague and it is curtains.

Those are just examples. But I think it applies to the way he thinks about everything. It's funny, because in some ways I think most people assume that idealists are optimists, but in fact I think perhaps that assumption is incorrect and that that sort of idealism fuels defeatism if anything.

B thinks it's suprising that I'm pragmatic but not cynical. It's a big difference. If I can come through this whole sorry saga without becoming cynical I think I'll be doing pretty well!

New pastime

I've been sitting here for 2 hours now. Surfing the internet, writing emails, reading Emergency Sex. I've booked a haircut for tomorrow.

I don't mind this. I've got a pistachio slice and a plunger of green tea in front of me, and life doesn't feel too bad right now.

On call

I've been on call for 28 hours. Only 44 to go. Bugger.

I'm sitting in an internet cafe with wireless internet. I have a book to read, my on-call phone, my phone, music to listen to - I'm all set up.

I had that odd experience again last night of having a resuscitation situation at work and then feeling really, really tempted to call him. I think I have progressed enough now though to know that I'm not actually going to do it. I called Mum just in case. I think it was all compounded by being hypoglycaemic - I went out afterwards with the students, had one glass of wine and a lovely dinner, socialised and laughed and talked. I can do all those things now, when I think about it properly I know that is massive progress from a few weeks ago.

I don't plan to tell him that I'm going or when I'm going. N wants most of my furniture and I've asked her to organise the removals. I just have a few more boxes of stuff to get from the apartment (although it's not in boxes yet, still scattered) and then hopefully the whole horrible process will be finished. I'll be able to properly cut the ties. I sometimes wonder whether it will hit me again once that's done - no more tenuous ties, no lingering connection. Whether it does feel hard or not, I know it is what I have to do. I also know that I should not feel guilty for not wanting him to know anything. As so many of my friends said - when he broke up with me he also gave up the right to know. His guilt is not my responsibility.

Letter

Dear Dr Nguyen,

RE: INCLUSION TO AVI PROGRAMS

I write to confirm your inclusion to the AVI volunteer position of Medical Trainer with Committee for Coordination of Services to Displaced Persons Thailand.

As discussed, your final participation in the Volunteer Program is dependent upon the following conditions:

· Acceptance of your nomination by the overseas employer
· Procurement of your visa and work permits
· A satisfactory health report and criminal history check
· Satisfactory completion of the AVI pre-departure briefing

At this time, your departure has been scheduled for the month of May, 2007.

The final departure date will be confirmed after completion of pre-departure requirements. We suggest that you do not end your current employment or make any irreversible decisions until you receive written confirmation of your assignment from AVI.

This pack contains several documents to assist you with your pre-departure requirements. The following page of this letter contains a checklist and guidelines for the use of each document. Please follow the checklist carefully and complete and return all necessary documentation to AVI as soon as possible.

A staff member from AVI will also contact you shortly to organise your attendance at the compulsory pre-departure briefing. Please advise if your contact details change or if any matters arise that may affect your participation in the program.

Congratulations on making it this far and good luck with your preparation!

Yours sincerely,

AUSTRALIAN VOLUNTEERS INTERNATIONAL

What it's about

I want something extraordinary.

"I just have to try other things" - that is not extraordinary.

1 week, no contact

I wrote a really long post yesterday but it's on my laptop and I left my USB key behind when I left my last work placement - it should arrive in the mail before the end of the week though. Must remember to post it retrospectively, was feeling quite "thinky" when I wrote it.

So it's been seven whole days, no contact. I wonder if he's noticed?

Of course he's noticed.

And of course if I were "over" this then I wouldn't even think about whether he's noticed or not!

Work is still really slow. I'm on call tonight, I'm hoping it will be quiet and that my sleep won't be too interrupted. Tomorrow night my consultant, the resident and I are going out to a nice restaurant for dinner which should be good. I've felt a little below par at times today and I know it's just natural to flag a bit at times but that doesn't help much when I'm actually in the process of flagging! I know I just need to drag myself through, remember what J-mother-of-T said - "if it is worth having it will come back, but in the meantime this is just trash". When I'm feeling rational I know I shouldn't go back and fortunately circumstances should get in the way of my ever trying to do anything toward that un-what? unsavoury? undesirable? unhealthy? Probably all of the above, actually.

I'm still a bit fidgety about confirming this job. I know they've already told me it's mine but I will feel much better once I have it in writing! They still haven't done all the reference checks so I'm just waiting, waiting... I just know that things will be a whirlwind after I finish up here and head home. I'm going to Perth for a few days of relaxing and hopefully fun stuff, and then there's the potential for things to happen very very quickly after that. I'm sure I won't feel "ready" - psychologically or practically - by the time I leave. In the last couple of days I've talked to a couple of people who have been in Chiang Mai recently and loved it, which is great. I'll be there for 5 weeks to start, so it's good to hear good words about it. Then after that -- who knows how things will be? Hopefully as positively life-changing as everyone seems to know it will be (everyone but me, that is). I do think sometimes that I won't be able to help but feel better after a while, even if I want to be miserable. Even these last few weeks have taught me that, and life hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs.

What I can do

Work didn’t pick up – we sort of killed time until 5 and then wandered home. Tonight I am going to this BBQ, there is this part of me that is baulking but I know I have to push myself out there, meet people, be sociable, in some ways I guess I need to forge an identity on my own. The latter is much more for myself than for others because it seems that people have never really seen me as “half of a couple”, certainly not my friends anyway. But I feel like that’s how I’ve seen myself to a large extent and I need to build up a bank of experiences on my own to prove for my own benefit that I am just as much on my own as I was as part of a couple.

I met some more people today and talked some more about everything. Still getting the same, incredibly enthusiastic response when I tell others about this job and this upcoming trip, especially in the context of the breakup. Mum keeps telling me again and again that it will be amazing, and that I will be great. She hasn’t been so openly proud of anything I’ve done in a long time.

I know that just slowly, I’m emerging from this foggy, unhappy mess. I know that even if I don’t feel like things are improving, there are things I can do now that I couldn’t do 3 weeks ago.

I can get out of bed without crying.
I can get through a whole day without crying.
I can read novels (as long as they do not hit too close to home).
I can listen to lots of different music (currently Starsailor).
I can talk to strangers.
I can listen to other people talk about themselves without feeling like I desperately need to talk about me me me me me.
I laugh.
I can make bad jokes.
I can sleep, most nights.
I can be away from home and my family.
I can look ahead – sort of – to what is next.
I can combat the urge to call him.
I can eat.
I can feel emotions other than utter despair.

This man who I met on the shuttle to the airport (from the last town where I worked) talked quite a lot about his experiences with life and love (and two divorces). He said that someone once told him to think about the phrase, “Life is an illusion” and work out what he thought it meant. I don’t know what I think it means yet. But maybe it’s all to do with perspective, how I construct my world from the inside and how I view what happens. And, I guess, how fallible, fickle, unpredictable the world is.

Things do have a way of working themselves out though. That’s how I’m comforting myself.

Slack

This job is really slack. There are 2 registrars, a resident and the consultant. We currently have 1 patient.

Fortunately everyone seems really nice. I'm going to a medical student BBQ tonight (they are all grads so a few are around my age I think, some are probably even older) and it's "Food Week". The students are going to try and procure me a bicycle, which will make life easier too.

I'm a little worried about the workload - or lack thereof - over the next couple of weeks. I'm better when I'm busy, too much time to think otherwise. I spoke to A last night on the phone, just because things were feeling a bit quiet and I was feeling a bit pensive. It does help. I still wonder if he's thinking about me or us or the situation. I know the no-contact rule is good, I know I am better for it, but a part of my mind worries that he'll forget. Then the rational bit of my mind tries to remind me that it doesn't matter if he forgets or remembers, in fact it doesn't matter what he does/thinks/says at all. But the adjustment is still hard.

Onward

So today I got in a teeny tiny litle plane and took a turbulent ride to my next destination. The hospital here isn't nice and shiny like where I was, and my accommodation is - ahem - spartan, but I'm here, there's internet access at the library (although I can't get the wireless network at my accommodation that one of the others can, much to my consternation).

My "home" hospital is taking over the world (or at least this regional centre) - much to my surprise when I boarded the plane, I discovered that one of the junior residents from last year and one of the senior radiologists were both on the same flight! So there's my lonely theory partly blasted. The people here seem very friendly. Something about country hospitals I'm sure. The children's ward looked suspiciously empty. I don't mind things being sedate but I would like at least a few patients!

I also got an email back from AVI's Thailand manager answering some questions about the job. It's so strange and scary and starting to get a bit exciting - I am asking real questions about a real job which I am really going to do! We are talking about real things like extra clinical work and leave entitlements and language training - is it starting to sink in? I'm not sure! But I keep telling myself that I am really going to do this and it seems somehow unbelievable. Me?

There was an interesting topic posted today on an internet forum I frequent; the person who posted it was asking whether we would choose to erase our memories of past relationships if we could, a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? To be honest right now I would LOVE to have all my memories of the last 4 years erased. I would LOVE for it to have never happened. But conscience and experience tell me that no, really - all of this stuff has made me who I am now and shaped the way I think about life, love, everything really. I'm not really loving who I am at the moment but as B said last night on the phone, that's probably partly situational.

5 days without contact. And definitely counting!

The next place

I'm leaving here tomorrow morning - heading inland to another regional centre. In some ways the apprehension is just like leaving home was 3 days ago; I know people here, people know me, I've enjoyed working here, while the next job is just a whole heap of unknowns. My resident spent quite a bit of time today looking up things for me to do and telling me about people he knows there - such a lovely person. I don't think he will ever really understand how much he has helped me in his little everyday friendly way. It's just another example of how people have popped up and out of the woodwork to contribute a little to my hmmm...recovery? That's what this ultimately is, isn't it?

One of my friends in Perth suggested going over there for a few days after I finish up with this working trip. It sounds really appealing actually, getting out of town again and seeing different people, going to new places. I was talking to Mum about it on the phone and realising that potentially there's really not very much time between now and when I'll probably leave. Maybe a month or 5 weeks after I get back. I'd like to fit in a trip to Vietnam if I can. Will have to talk to AVI about whether that can be slotted in before I start work in Thailand.

I'm trying to think ahead, be a bit organised. I emailed uni today to ask about getting a project out of this year. In some ways I'd like to, it would be nice to have proper documentation about what I've done - getting some sort of concrete result out of it (ie formally written) would be a nice counterpoint to what will hopefully be an amazing personal experience.

Low

I spoke to Mum after that last post – I just suddenly felt so low! I don’t know whether it was tiredness or being away from home or the events of the last couple of days at work – probably a combination of all of those things.

I think in some ways I did well, because I felt pretty awful and yet I was able to reflect on the last few days and remember all the good things that had happened. I was looking at photos of Mae Hong Son again today and occasionally just getting a flicker of that excitement and anticipation I wrote about yesterday. I remembered what the guy from AVI and my mentor from work had said about me. I thought about how I’d handled the emergencies at work, how I’d been able to think about them clearly and systematically and how I’d been able to work it all out for the best.

I was talking about how I don’t think he understands the separation and what it really means, doesn’t understand that our lives can no longer in any way be shared, doesn’t see why I don’t want to share what I’m doing with him. Mum said that the cuts need to be as clean and surgical as possible, because I don’t want a tear – good analogy I suppose. Thinking about it, I see that the only way to demonstrate it to him is to do it; do it not primarily to show him, but because talking about it and doing it are mutually exclusive. The reality of it is so difficult. As my resident left today his parting words were, “Don’t call him!” and I was glad that he said that. I need all the reinforcement I can get.

Mum said somethiing on the phone tonight which I didn’t expect – she said that she had been really surprised during this whole time that I so lack in self-confidence and self-esteem, and that she hadn’t realised that I felt that way about myself. I suppose she’s right; I think it’s a mixture of being so extroverted and being so terrified of failure that has sort of led me to a cycle of not believing in myself and constantly needing to prove myself wrong. I guess I have always on some level then extrapolated that to the way that I think others must think of me. Mum says I need to take the comments of others on board – that I am capable, that I am talented, that I am valued and that others think highly of me – and just accept them for what they are. She says that none of these people owe me anything, none of them have anything to gain by sucking up to me, so I should just believe them and believe that what they say is true. I do know that she’s right, I have at times over the last few weeks thought about this of my own accord. It is especially hard at the moment though. My resident was saying last night that when he had a bad breakup he kept thinking, “If the one person who knows me better than anyone doesn’t want me – then who could?”. That is exactly how I feel – not just about whether people will want me, but whether people think I’m a good person, or whether anyone will love me, or whether I have real worth, even whether I’m a good doctor. Stupid. But true.

People keep telling me that my time away will be life-changing, that nothing will look quite the same again afterwards and that it will force me to reassess, reprioritise, give me new perspective and new drive. In some ways I am impatient to get to a year from now, because I want to know how I will be by then. I want to know what will feel important, whether this will really feel less important (even though I know rationally that it will), whether my career ambitions will change or whether my outlook on life will be different.

I guess I just have to live it out and see. At the moment I’m just sitting here with my computer, my candle and Ben Lee playing in the background, wondering how it will all happen.

Sad

I feel sad.

I've just spent 3 hours resuscitating a really sick baby; yesterday I spent about the same amount of time resuscitating a really sick child, both of whom ended up on maximal support and being airlifted out of here.

I want to tell him about it. I feel miserable that I can't.

Silence

Today is the third day without any sort of contact at all. I think it's the longest since the split happened, and I think it's good even though it doesn't feel good - surely by now I have to believe that this is better (according to the "no contact = bad, contact = worse" rule).

Last night I went out for dinner with my resident and a friend of his, it was really good to get out with people who have nothing whatsoever to do with the situation. I ate properly yesterday, even had a glass of wine, and I was fine.

I emailed my referees yesterday to let them know that reference checks for me are coming their way. One of them - my principal referee, I guess - wrote back immediately. This is a guy who I met about 5 years ago; he is this amazing person who was the head of a big clinical department and then stepped down from that job to head up a new branch of the hospital in international health, and since has set up education and clinical training courses in several developing nations. He's become a bit of a mentor of sorts, particularly over the last 6 months. His reply really made me feel like I am getting somewhere in life, funny how even a brief email can do that. He told me that I am pretty special and that he thinks I'll go a very long way (this is something he has said repeatedly and I've always just felt sort of embarrassed that he thinks I'm that good because I sort of think it's not deserved). He gave me a whole heap of contact details for people he knows who do work related to what I'll be doing, and sent introduction emails off to them, etc. The last thing he said was, "Go for it!".

I do want to.

I need to be very careful that I don't just lose my willpower and make a rash phonecall in the next couple of weeks. Need to maintain that silence and increase the distance.

One of my older, wiser friends wrote this to me yesterday (talking about the new job and the current difficulties):

"Q, this is such a cliche but we all learn from tough moments in our lives and for you, this is one of them. Embrace & enjoy what is to come."

Work

I'm back at work today. It feels odd.

What feels really odd is that I'm not dialling that familiar number, not having stupid short conversations, no "Okay, bye!", no sharing, no just because.

Otherwise I'm okay. Got a little bit of sleep last night and talked to B for quite a while. I felt quite angry and that was good for me, I think. Today it's back to the whole no-contact-is-bad/contact-would-be-so-much-worse thing. Thankfully I'm not staying in the same place as last time, and this new place is much nicer - much homier, not as spartan/cockroach-infested/depressing/dark. I have a different resident too.

I caught up with R last night, an old friend I'd had no contact with for a while. I was just talking about how things don't seem "right" but that everyone says they will again eventually. He said, "Yes - a different 'right' but still right". That's probably it, I think.

I hope I'll be resilient enough to do this job. I told the guy from the organisation that I had been really worried that the situation would jeopardise my chances of getting the job - he said that they had flagged it as a concern but that after interviewing me the second time, they were satisfied that I would be all right, and that he thought I had "a certain maturity" about me which made them confident that I was still the right person for the job. I hope so. I was completely honest with them at the interview - I didn't deny that it'd been a difficult time and that things weren't all back to normal yet; I did say though that I thought by the time of dispatch I'd be okay. That I don't know yet but surely with this amount of time two-fold to come, it's a reasonable guess, I think.

A shock

Yesterday I went around to the apartment to get more stuff.

Turned key in lock, opened door. Bathroom light on, music playing. He said, "I'm in."

He didn't get the text I'd sent him in the morning. It was horrible. I sat shaking in the liftwell and he came out about 5 minutes later, looked at me while I tried to decide whether or not to look at him, then left via the back stairwell whilst I went into the flat and burst into tears.

Funnily enough, I was okay about 20 minutes later. I rang him after that. It was stupid. I was saying lots of things that I've said before. He said a whole heap of crap about how this wasn't right and that wasn't right and we never got started properly - whatever the hell that means. Then he said, "I just have to try other things."

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, DO NOT MAKE THIS ABOUT ME AND MY FLAWS. THIS IS ABOUT YOU, IDIOT.

He asked me why I was saying the stuff I was saying, that it wasn't helping and he didn't understand why I was saying it. I think I actually apologised. Now I wish I'd said, "You lied to me by omission. You deceived me for weeks. You betrayed me, you strayed if not in body then in mind, you broke my trust. You hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me before. I don't have any fucking obligation to make you feel better about what you've done. PLUS STOP EMAILING ME WITH YOUR FUCKED UP IDEAS ABOUT US, I DREW THE LINE AND DON'T WANT TO KNOW, REMEMBER???"

Anyway. Let it go, let it go. If I tell myself enough times, it'll happen - right?

I had my 2nd round interview for this o/s job today. It went well - as expected they asked me heaps of questions about how the relationship breakup would affect my ability to work. I was ready to lynch J if his stupidity jeopardised my chances of getting it, but it went swimmingly and they told me it'd just be a matter of doing the paperwork, reference checks, etc. Then they rang me back 2 hours later for good measure, just to let me know that in fact it would probably all happen more quickly than they'd thought.

So it's all very exciting but also completely terrifying. Everyone else seems to think I can do it, so why don't I feel so sure? I guess it's because everything seems uncertain and shaky at the moment. Still - departure is probably still a good 6-7 weeks away, so that's a long way off considering how recent the shake-up has been. M gave me the name of a good psychologist today, I want to try that out to see if I can get some pointers on how to cope on my own, how to get myself out of holes, etc.

Boundaries

So after that email yesterday I felt really, really upset and angry. I rang the estate agent and arranged to be taken off the lease. I rang the gas, electricity and water companies and arranged for the services in my name to be ceased. I emailed him – a very terse message detailing the practicalities I had sorted out. I talked to some friends, told them about it, generally felt very angry.

Then I felt awful. It felt like we were fighting.

So I rang him and I told him that’s how I felt and how much I hated it. I told him that we shouldn’t discuss the relationship because all we were doing was hurting each other. I told him I didn’t want us to fight.

Unfortunately we then talked for about half an hour; he got quite emotional and teary. I never know what that means. Does that mean it feels wrong? Does that mean he feels guilty? Does that mean he’s feeling a sense of loss? Does that mean he’s wondering if he did the right thing? He tells me he just figures it’s pain he has to feel to get through it.

I went around to the apartment last night with G and got more stuff. It felt odd, and sort of cold – as if the personality and warmth had been drained from the place. I emptied the dishwasher. I’m not sure why. I put all the “us” things in a box but then I left it there because I didn’t want to take it with me – wasn’t sure what I’d do with it.

I dreamt about him last night, then this morning I woke up and found myself thinking about us getting back together – would it happen? Could it happen? How would it happen? How would I convince him it was the right thing to do? How would I convince myself it was the right thing to do? So much second guessing.

So I called one of my friends and she said exactly the right things. She told me that things would work themselves out for the best one way or another; she told me that if we ever got back together then that would have to come from him; and she said that I need some time and space to be on my own, concentrate on me, sort myself out, go and do new things. And she was absolutely right.

In the meantime, I need to stick by what I said to him yesterday, which I know is right: we shouldn’t talk about things with each other. I just have to somehow put the impatient/control freak/planning part of me aside and just see what life brings. And I have to remember that he’s not gone – he’s just not in my life, at least for the time being.

Non-retrospective vent

God, I am SO angry. I got an email from him this morning, saying amongst other things that he never felt like our relationship got started properly and that he "waited for three years for it to get started properly but it never did". Also that he was "disappointed" that our conversation a week ago made me "worse" because he thought that we had "sorted through a lot of issues" for me. He brought up the problems "every day" and we never fixed them (how can tidying the house be such a massive fucking problem, and if that wasn't what it was about, what the hell ARE you talking about?) and he needs to know whether the problems would be so "big" in other relationships with other people.

The thing is, until now I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt and believing that there is some rational substance to the increasingly unpleasant things he is saying, just because I always thought he was so considerate, thoughtful, always thought about what he was going to say before saying it. G says that I need to stop looking for logical connections between the things he says because those connections just aren't there and that he isn't being reasonable. B, J, A and M have all said something similar.

I am beginning to believe that they're right.

And I am so much better off without him. J-mother-of-T is right. This is just trash.

Retrospective vent

This is a retrospective vent as it's already passed, and I just forgot to put it here when it happened.

I am so sick of his, "I just want to make it easier", "I just want to help you move on", "I really hope you're okay" bullshit. He thought he was helping me move on with all that "pragmatic" crap?

What I really wanted to write in my reply email (which I shouldn't have written at all but did) is:

YOU ARE NOT MY BEST FRIEND. YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS BETTER. STOP TRYING TO ASSUAGE YOUR GUILT BY TRYING TO "HELP" ME. YOU ENDED THIS RELATIONSHIP. THERE IS NO MORE COLLABORATION, THERE IS NO "HELPING", THERE IS NO "US". THAT IS WHAT THIS MEANS. FUCK OFF.

Well, that last bit would probably not be there, but the rest of it would have!

Okay, vented.

Bruckner

Today I listened to Bruckner 9 from beginning to end. It was a bit disjointed because I met up with J (I should give the Js numbers, there are too many of them) and then finished it on the way home, but I was pleasantly surprised - firstly that I wanted to listen to it at all, and secondly because I enjoyed it so much. I also bought some music magazines and another book to read. I haven't spent much time wallowing, and I've spent some time trying to think about what J (mother of T) said yesterday.

Had brunch with A this morning, which was really good. She gave me a poem she'd found, which I've already misplaced - oops - but which was appropriate for me at the moment.

Have to try and get the rest of my stuff this week. Ugh. Hope I can do it and get through without dissolving into a wreck. Have the interview on Thursday, too.

Life is - just slowly - going on.

Bach and Murakami

Today was the first day that I have, with any success at all, managed to spend time on my own without turning into a complete mess. It wasn't good as such, but I didn't get worse. I listened to:

• French Suites
• Goldberg Variations
• The Art of Fugue
• Italian Concerto
• A Musical Offering
• English Suites

and I read Kafka on the Shore. I don't know whether that's a win or not, but I guess it's something. I'm trying to think about what J said this morning, all those points I listed. I'm trying to believe that she's right.

Must remember

I always look forward to T coming for his violin lessons, partly because he's a great kid but also because his mother J is such a font of wisdom. Over the last 2 weeks she has come every week with bits of sage advice, stories from her life, reassurances and perspective that only comes with experience. This is what she had for me today:

• I am a fantastic person
• He is totally unsorted and he is much less than I deserve
• I deserve to be absolutely supported and to feel absolutely secure
• One day this will be just a blip
• I am a fantastic person
• This breakup is not about me, no matter what reasons he gives and no matter what he says, it is about him
  
• If it comes back one day, well and good, but I don't need it and now he needs to be gone
• All this contact is trash that I need to be rid of
  
• I am a fantastic person
• I need to get all this practical stuff sorted out and snap myself out of this because it is not worth all the sorrow
• Life isn't about the picture on the wall - it's about painting it (sounds cliched but didn't when she said it)
• The crucial thing, the key to it all, is learning to love myself
  

Is it really true that if you tell yourself something enough, you eventually believe it?

Temporary

Things to remember:

1. The darkness is temporary
2. This whole awful process is temporary - long, but it will pass
3. Things will get better - they will not be the same as before, but "new" does not equal "bad"

I spent most of yesterday with J (who is herself in the recovery process after ending her 8 1/2 year relationship) who was just wonderful. I was a wreck when she arrived - unable to talk/eat/function, crying every 5 minutes - and by the time she passed me on to R later in the afternoon I was much more together. R was great. She is much like me when I'm myself - brash, to the point, blunt - but she is also really empathic and understanding. We were talking about things, walking around the park, and at one point she grabbed me by the shoulders and almost yelled,

"Q, HE IS NOT RIGHT FOR YOU!!!"

This is what I need to try and believe - hopefully eventually I will.

I have to go around to the apartment later to get some stuff with a friend (couldn't do it by myself, too difficult) and I am dreading it. I'm worried I'll drop to rock bottom again and won't be able to get myself out of it. Perhaps I should think about that when and if the time comes, rather than freaking out in advance.

Dark

I didn't sleep last night. Things kept replaying in my head, over and over - memories from the last few months, times when I really thought we were happy, what he said on the phone on Monday, on and on it went. I've already cried twice and it's only 10 past 9.

Everything feels wrong. Why is this pain so unimaginably bad? It all feels completely incomprehensible.

How am I going to get through the day?

Trying

As expected, that feeling of empowerment hasn't lasted. It did give me a good 24 hours, though. I went to bed last night feeling kind of a bit - well, sad, and this morning I'm sort of somewhere in between.

I can't remember very clearly, but I think I might have had a dream about him last night.

This healing process is always going to be rational mind vs irrational mind, isn't it? Rationally nothing has changed, I still know that whatever changes have occurred in him have made him someone other than the person I love so much, but irrationally - I'm missing, missing, missing him. K said on the phone that he's probably wracked with guilt - it was this same irrational mind that replied that I didn't want him to be wracked with guilt, I wanted him to be plagued by regrets.

Today I'm going to spend the day with S and then G is coming around to take me out for dinner. I hope that I'm able to make myself better company than I currently feel I am.

M is coming down from Sydney on Friday and we're going to go around to the apartment and pick up some more stuff. I'm dreading it. I really just want all of that to be over and done with so that I never have to go there again.

Still kicking

I felt strangely empowered last night (see last post, entirely out of keeping with the rest of this blog to date). Today I feel less "I can do it!" but not too bad. I'm just at a bit of a loose end for things to do.

I think realising that he has changed and that he seems like someone else will be helpful for a while - just allows me to create distance between us that didn't exist before. I've no doubt that if we saw each other in person this distance would just crumble so I think that non-contact is important. I can see that the further I get from this, the further away I am from that initial, terrible shock, the more I'll be able to call on my rational mind rather than my "heart".

The way things are at the moment is pretty crap, but it's more bearable than the heartache and woundedness of last week. I know I'll still have days like that, but at least I have managed to prove to myself that I can be better, even if it's only for an hour or two at a time at this stage.

A first

Tonight is really the first night that I have felt properly positive about things. I think the clincher was his “pragmatism” (see earlier post), and talking to friends earlier.

What I can see tonight that I hadn’t been able to properly discern before is that he, as he is now with the issues he has now and the way he is thinking now, is not the person whose loss I am mourning. It’s as if he is standing in front of me now, the way he is now, and he casts a thousand shadows behind him from the last 3 years and 9 months, various shadows of various hims who were right for me; he casts all those shadows but the real three-dimensional person standing in front of me at the moment, with his confusion and uncertainty and new ideas, is not the one I want – is not enough for me.

It strikes me that if I met him for the first time now,I probably wouldn’t give him a chance.

I don’t think this positivity will be lasting – I’d be foolish if I thought it would be – but I hope that in the dark days that will undoubtedly follow at times over the next few months, I can somehow still find a flicker of the way I’m feeling at the moment. Tonight he is not right for me, and for the first time I see that arising from my own feelings, rather than basing it around his.

And as my sister was just saying to me, if he were still the person he was a year ago, then he would be the right person. And we would not be where we are now.

Maybe one day I will even – although admittedly this is stretching it – thank him for the conversation we had today.

5 things

My friend K told me to write down 5 things that are good about me and my life.

1. My family
2. I have amazing friends who are all stepping up to give me more love and support than I could have imagined
3. I love my work, more than most people I know
4. The plans that are slowly shaping up for the rest of the year
5. I am intelligent, have varied interests and am good company (well, not now - but generally)

I had a long, long talk with my friend J about things earlier this evening. She said some things that I think I should try to remember.

• Even if I never get more information, even if I never understand this situation more than I do now, it will inevitably get easier over time
• Even without "all the information", I have more than I need in order to draw the line in the sand and tell myself that that is enough, the relationship would never have been the right thing for me, and I will be better off for this having happened
• No matter what happens for him in his future relationships and how bad it might feel to me initially, it will not change that this wasn't the right relationship for me
  
• In even a couple of months, I will be at a point that is unimaginable right now
• I shouldn't think about wanting good things for him, or wanting him to be okay, or really anything about his life really, because when he gave me up, he gave up the care I had for him as well
  

K also said

• In the end, I will think of this as a favour that he has done me
  
• I deserve someone who thinks I am wonderful and is absolutely committed to me, without reservations
• It is hard because it is so raw and new, but I will get through this - grief has its own timeframe

I need to cut the ties.

Damn

Weakened again. Rang him to get the lease, furniture, utilities sorted out, ended up talking for 3 hours.

It wasn't bad, just hard. But then again, this is all hard.

I hate how much it hurts me to know that he is already looking ahead to his next relationship when this one has barely been over for a week. I know that it's not because he's a bad person - as he says, it was part of the point of ending this relationship that he needed to go and explore others. It just really stings that he's already being so "pragmatic", as he puts it. I guess it's because from where I am at the moment, I can't imagine being with anyone else or wanting to be with anyone else. I know he's a few steps ahead of me. It's just really difficult not to feel like he's cheapening what we had and everything that it meant, by wanting to move on to the next thing so swiftly.

I really need to get a grip on the fact that this is over. I'm not quite sure how - sometimes I feel like I just can't - but I know it needs to happen. As my friend A says, "Time is non-negotiable!" but sometimes I just want it to happen now now right NOW. I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, I want to see where life will take me, I want to be over this, I want to enjoy things, I want to learn how to be on my own, I want to see what the future holds, I want it all.

And (to quote Freddie Mercury) I want it now.

I want to want good things for him, I want to want him to be happy and mean it, even if it's without me, I just want to know that this all has meaning without him.

So, life: I'm waiting.

Reality

Yesterday evening was a write-off so I bombed myself out at 8:30 and reluctantly got out of bed 12 hours later.

The reality just seems so harsh; I think it is only just beginning to sink in that he will not be part of my life, and that waking up is going to be like this every day for a while. This morning I woke up and found myself thinking about what today might have been like if none of this had happened.

Bad move.

I wonder whether the reality is sinking in for him yet? It must be different for him, partly because he made the decision but also because he is still living in the house we shared, bits of me and bits of us are still everywhere around him, the place probably still smells of me and there are visual reminders everywhere. I went out for a coffee with my friend M yesterday and he said that perhaps the reality was hitting me harder and more quickly because of all the physical changes in my environment - that is, being back at my parents', moving all my stuff, going home to a different place at the end of the day, living with my family again.

I wonder if this really feels like what he wants?

I've found the temptation to call increasingly difficult over the last couple of days. It just seems so simple - pick up the phone, hear his voice at the other end, talk. I suppose that would be followed by "cry, feel awful, end up back at square one".

I'm not sure whether it's a good or a bad thing that I'm not working at the moment. On the one hand, I'm not sure I could drag myself up to do it. On the other, it would be at least a partial distraction from all of this. I've been dreading this week a bit because I'm alone at home during the days, far too much time to think and obsess and wonder and muse and brood.

Answers?

I've spent a lot of time over the last couple of days obsessing over my flaws, wondering whether things would have turned out differently if I had done x, y or z.

Rationally I have come to realise that the crux of it is this: he simply couldn't commit. It explains why he couldn't even try to work things out, why he couldn't think of reasons to continue even after so many wonderful times over the last few years. For every reason he could find to end things, I could counter it with 10 other reasons why we should continue. Every negative for him seemed to clinch the decision he had already - consciously or not - made; I couldn't see that there was anything we couldn't work through if we really wanted it. I guess it's the "if we really wanted it" where we differed. It was like we were flipsides of the same coin but couldn't ever quite see each other, or see one another's point of view - or to stretch the metaphor, the coin could never land on both sides at once.

It would also explain why everything he has said and written is so confusing - why there's a bit of this, a bit of that, a bit of this reason here, a bit of another (seemingly unrelated) reason there. I don't think he understands it himself. I guess all of this was stuff that I've been coming to for a few days - ever since I got that last email from him 3 days ago and realised that asking him for answers was futile because he wouldn't be able to give them to me but would attempt to nonetheless, in the process confusing and hurting me further.

Going along this line of thought then, the logical conclusion must be that there is nothing I could have done to change anything. As my friends and family have pointed out, the flaws I have and the niggly things between us couldn't have been dealbreakers in themselves. They came later, as justifications for something he knew he felt but couldn't quite explain.

My friend B thinks he has no idea about all of this now, and won't allow himself to work through it to this point for some time. I find myself wondering if he will ever reach it at all. My mind - or heart or whatever - is in a constant push-pull situation at the moment. Part of me, the part that is just so deeply hurt, wonders constantly about what he's doing, how he's feeling, whether he's sleeping, whether he has dreams about me (as I do about him), whether he ever has moments where he wonders just what he has done, whether he is as constantly and relentlessly followed by it wherever he goes and whatever he does. The part of me that can see things more clearly and rationally sees that there really was no alternative - not even for me. That part of me can see that in the end this never would have been enough and that I could never have been happy knowing all the while that he was unsure.

What I am grieving is the future that we used to have. That future died when he discovered that he couldn't commit to me or to our relationship. There could be no future together now that this has happened - not one I can see at the moment, anyway - in which I could ever be as happy, secure or fulfilled as in the future that used to exist.

One week

Today it is 1 week since it ended.

I'm not really sure what I should be taking out of this so far. Should I be feeling encouraged because today I am so much less distraught than 7 days ago? Should I be feeling down because I realise there is so much of me that I need to work on? I'm not sure.

The overwhelming thing that has happened is that my friends - people who were my best friends before, people I was friendly with but not really "friends" with, people who I hadn't seen or spoken to in a long time - have all stepped in to support, love and cry with me. I feel guilty at times because I know that there is a part of me that would trade all that wonderful, unconditional support in an instant; I also know, though, that they understand that and accept it.

After talking to my mother for quite a while this morning I am vaguely wondering if I will end up tortured down the track by the things that are my flaws, my foibles, my failings? It is hard to silence the little voice in my head that keeps wondering if things would be different had I been more disciplined, had I had more perspective on which battles to fight, if I'd been more responsible?

In the end I know that all I can do is pick up these lessons and work on them now, and that musing on the past and wishing I could change it will only leave me hung up and unable to live my life the way I should.

J - I know you are not reading this now, and I don't know that you ever will, but I know that I have to let you go. And I am trying to have faith that it is for the best, for both of us.

My day has ended better than it began.

I want to tell him that's not about hate, although if it simplifies things for him to think of it that way, then he can think it is. I also want to tell him that it is wrong to try and debase what we had now, in retrospect; the things he feels he "shouldn't have said" I am certain were sincere and heartfelt at the time. No matter how much things are changing or have changed, it is wrong to go back and try to retrospectively change the meaning of something that was clearly intended in a particular way at the time.

I spent a good amount of time tonight sitting on the couch at a friend's place, talking and thinking and talking. I don't know if it was useful - I don't know if any of this is - but I felt a bit better at the end of it.

I really do not want to let him destroy my life, rip my self-esteem to shreds, make me feel small. So I'm going to stop replying to his emails.

A backward step

I am really, really struggling today.

I slept fitfully - the first night I haven't taken a sedative - and woke up this morning confused and unsure of where I was. When it dawned that I wasn't in my bed with him by my side, I fell into a hole and haven't been able to pull myself out of it since.

I just can't understand how we "weren't good for each other". I can't understand how this can possibly feel right for him, or even just not wrong. Every minute feels wrong for me at the moment, and I feel a desperate urge to run away from myself, as if that would make the problem cease to exist and would allow me some escape from this relentless fog of pain and incomprehension.

Today it feels like nothing will ever be right again. I feel like in a month, a year, 2 years, 5 years, it will still feel wrong. I feel like I'll never reach equilibrium again and I'll never be able to do all the things I wanted to, or to have everything I've always wanted. I feel like I'll never be happy again and that I will end up twisted, obsessed, haunted by this always.

Will it ever be easier? I can't see it.

Beginning to recover, or just delusional?

I just had coffee with a friend. I am beginning to wonder if indeed the only reason why I feel better is that somewhere in my very muddled mind there is a little rogue corner that is telling me that we will get back together? I don't even know whether it is that, I'm just worried that it is. How ridiculous.

I really want to be able to rip off the bandaid, get through the stinging pain, recover, move on. If only it were that simple! N (the friend I had coffee with) told me it doesn't really matter why I feel better, and that I should just enjoy not feeling devastated. I told her I'm worried that I will crash and burn again and she said, "So what if you do? You'll pick yourself up again, especially now that you know you can."

We had some email contact today. I think we had too much and I think maybe it might be fuelling this possible delusional mind-bit (gee, I'm great for certainty at the moment, aren't I?). I know it needs to stop.

I can't believe it's only been 4 days. This is going to take such a long time.

Reaffirmation

I couldn't think of the word I wanted for the title of this post, so it's not exactly what I intended but the right word isn't coming to me.

Today I still feel semi-human. I'm a bit worried that I'm only feeling better because talking on the phone with him yesterday might have somehow convinced a sneaky little part of my brain that we haven't broken up, or something. Don't know if that makes sense. In any case I'm surprised to be sort of okay today, but to be honest I need all the good surprises I can get at the moment so I guess I'll just try to roll with it.

My taxi driver last night told me that the world would bring me good things and not to worry. Lots of older and wiser people are telling me that they understand how I feel from their own experiences and that as unbelievable as it seems, things really will be all right one day.

I haven't cried since yesterday afternoon - have come close, but not quite done it! - which is a bit amazing really. I talked to a friend of mine last night who went through a far worse break-up 2 years ago and never thought she would get through it, and I felt better after our long chat.

I've been thinking about it a lot (how surprising) and I'm trying to come to the realisation that no matter whether the problems were real or perceived, it doesn't change anything, and it doesn't change the fact that for whatever reasons, each of us was somehow unable to give the other what he/she needed. Eventually I have to accept that that's not good enough for me, I think. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm trying.

I also had a few moments of clarity (only a few, but it's a start) yesterday evening when I realised that not having contact with him is important; no matter how imperative and urgent it feels for me to tell him how I feel or even to "plead my case" or whatever, I am beginning to see that it won't change anything for the better, and if anything will hinder rather than help. I just need to try and remember that, and suppress the urge when it seems irresistible.

Despite that, I'm not sorry that I spoke to him yesterday. I managed to get lots of thoughts off my chest and it showed me exactly those things I was just talking about - that things will not be changed at the moment by anything I say. What I really wanted to tell him was that I miss him, and now it's said.

So I still don't know when I'll be happy again - and I'm not even sure that I believe I will, yet - but I hope my mind and my heart will start to have longer periods of calm amongst the hurt and angst, and I hope that these short periods of feeling not-quite-so-despairing augur well for the days and weeks to come.

A bit of respite

After my day of appalling self control - or lack thereof - I somehow managed to grab my first window of "okay time" tonight. That is, time not spent a) crying, b) wondering, c) crying, d) despairing or e) crying (amazingly). I may have even smiled a couple of times. I am not under any illusion that this will last, but it was sort of a pleasant surprise - that despite everything being pretty shit really, I can still feel semi-human for a while.

My friends and my sister (who is wise beyond her years) tell me that gradually the little pockets of time when I feel okay will lengthen, and it'll be easier to get through the days. It really can't get that much harder, surely?

In the fleeting moments that I feel optimistic (which is my natural state of being when unstressed, I think) I can kind of nearly see - through lots of fog - that eventually I will be all right, with or (more likely at the moment) without him. The rest of the time is doom and gloom. But still - it's a tiny flicker of hope, which I desperately need at the moment.

I truly don't understand what happened or how it happened or why, but I hope that eventually those things will cease to feel so vitally important and I will be able to accept whatever good life has to give me. At the moment, though, I do think (despite the optimistic tone of this post) that the struggle to understand, for answers, will consume a good deal of my thoughts.

Setback

Why am I so fucking weak??

Life goes on, seemingly without me

Today I'm back at work.

I feel like utter shit.

Over the last 24 hours or so I've had a lot more unhealthy thoughts enter my mind, mostly of the unproductive variety, such as:

Does he have any idea what he's doing?

Does he know what he's losing?

How the hell did he ever convince himself that there was anything fundamentally wrong with us?

Those things he said were wrong with us were actually completely untrue.

Will he regret this?

Why did he give in like that?

As I said, unproductive and unhelpful.

My friends have been wonderful and my mother an absolute godsend but it doesn't answer my stupid, rhetorical, unanswerable question: how the fuck do I get over this?

I went to the apartment last night with a friend to pick up some of my stuff.

Three hours later I got a text message.

This hurts so much. I'm so sorry.

Are you surprised it hurts? Did you think that erasing me from your life would be easy? This is what it is. This is what it means.

I'm sorry too. I'm sorry that you managed to convince yourself that we had problems much bigger than us, I'm sorry that you have given up everything we had and everything we could have, I'm sorry that we ever ended up here.

I admit that when that message arrived my first thoughts were of concern for you. You can't flick a switch and stop caring or stop thinking of things "together" rather than alone. But this grieving process isn't one we can go through together. You made this choice. I had no say.

I realise now that I could never have seen this coming, no matter how many times I try to tell myself that I should have.

One of my friends said, "When you decide that you have to get out, it's pretty easy to make up reasons why", and this is what you have done.

It strikes me that one of the saddest things is this: even if you discover that you were wrong, how can this not be tainted always?

Mess

There was a time that I had nothing to explain
Oh, this mess I had made
But then things got complicated
My innocence has all but faded
Oh, this mess I have made

And I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made

All the untested virtue
The things I said I'd never do
Least of all to you

I know he's kind and true
I know that he is good to you
He'll never care for you more than I do

But I don't believe in love
And I can't be changed
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess
I have made the same mistakes
Over and over again

There are rooms in this house that I don't open any more
Dusty books of pictures on the floor

That she will never see
She'll never see that part of me
I want to be for her
What I could never be for you

But I don't believe in God
So I can't be saved
All alone as I've learned to be
In this mess I have made

************

I don't know who this song applies to more. But we both loved it, and now it almost sounds like it's about us.

Que sera, sera?

I've been thinking of starting a blog for a while now, mostly in preparation for the exciting year ahead that has been slowly taking shape.

Pity then, that the catalyst for actually starting this is that I think I am as devastated as I have ever been.

I thought I had it all: career, home life, love of my life. Turns out that now it's just career. I think. The uncertainty is killing me.

How do you adjust from "when we do x" to "if we do x"? How do you cope with the things you have held so firmly in your grasp for so long, suddenly crumbling and slipping through your fingers?

Will I ever feel happy again? Right now I don't feel like I ever will. Rationally I know I will - and I have been asking others obsessively whether it's true. I will. But not this minute, or this hour. Not tomorrow, not the next day, not next week. I suppose this is just that cliche of "one day at a time".

Que sera, sera. Right?